Taste and Temperature
by Brandywine421
Summary: Another hiatus fic. HaileyRyan. COMPLETE.
1. One

_**Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related. **_

_**AN: A twisted hiatus story. What if...**_

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_"…I did a perfect imitation of someone who's alive  
before I met you  
now colors seem to have a taste and a temperature  
and everything doesn't seem so far away…"_

_ --7 Mary 3_

"I'm going out, Hailey. Bye." Marissa slammed the door behind her.

"Fucking brat," She muttered.

Jimmy was working late again. Sandy had actually found him a job, a good job, and she was genuinely happy for him. He had been devastated when Marissa had moved out and she had eagerly accepted his offer to move in with him. One month in, he got the job. Two months in, Marissa moved back.

Now, 3 months after her first ever attempt at domestication, she was miserable.

She loved Jimmy, she really did, but seeing him crawl into bed at midnight and leave before she woke up wasn't her idea of bliss.

And Marissa was a handful. She cursed herself every night when she'd hear Marissa puking up alcohol-scented bile. Hailey had been a wild one, she'd always resented Kirsten for being such a 'goody' but seeing Marissa, partying but still unhappy, she regretted everything.

And Jimmy was clueless when it came to his daughter. He considered sporadic phone calls as supervision. Hailey wasn't the girl's mother. She'd told Jimmy the little that she knew, that Marissa was drinking, that she'd quit therapy, that she was dating at least 3 different guys but Jimmy said that it was fine. He trusted his daughter.

Hailey would visit her sister often. Kirsten would always be a step above her. It was like Kirsten had gotten everything good from their parents and she got what was leftover.

But she loved Kirsten more than anyone else. And she hated seeing her in pain. Kirsten's only son had run away for a couple of weeks after their father's wedding. But it was her foster son, Ryan, who was the ultimate source of her pain. Kirsten was upset over Seth's return, she hadn't forgiven him for leaving, and she was worried about Ryan.

She knew that her sister was right to worry. The kid was carrying the world on his shoulders. He was working 2 jobs, taking care of his pregnant ex-girlfriend and making regular visits to Kirsten and the Cohens.

Hailey couldn't help her so she spent time with her when she could. Kirsten worked from home now. She remained upbeat and cheerful in front of Sandy and Seth and rarely allowed her pain to show. She had only recently started talking to Hailey about it.

There was a knock on the door. Hailey got up and opened it.

"Hey, Hailey."

"Ryan. You look like hell."

"Thanks. Marissa home?" He asked dryly. His voice was low and gravelly, like he hadn't used it in days.

Hailey was startled. Not because he was there, he came by every few weeks but because he looked so exhausted. Marissa was never home when he'd stop by. She'd like to punch the little twit in the face for leading Ryan on.

"I'm sorry, Ryan, you just missed her."

"Oh," He whispered, a confused look on his face.

"Did she know you were coming?"

"Yeah. She called me," He replied without thinking.

Hailey sighed. He'd come all this way for Marissa.

"Well, tell her I came by," He muttered, turning with his shoulders slouched with exhaustion.

"You can come in. Take a break," Hailey offered.

Ryan raised an eyebrow. He looked old. Tired. Used. He looked like she felt. "I should get back," He said.

"Come in, Ryan. Kirsten would never forgive me if I didn't make you sit down."

"You don't have to be nice to me, Hailey," He said, amused. "Bye."

She grabbed his arm. "Please, I need the company."

He gave her a tired smile. "Okay."

"Thank you," She grinned. She wasn't sure why she felt the need to invite him in. From what she knew of him, he didn't talk much but she could use the company and he was nice to look at. He'd bulked up in his new jobs. She shook off her thought. She'd just give the kid a cool drink and a break from thinking about that little brat of Jimmy's.

She sat down at the table and lit a cigarette.

"You smoke?" He asked, sitting down heavily across from her.

"When Jimmy's not here. Which is a lot," She replied.

"Mind?" He murmured as he lit a cigarette from his own. She watched as he relaxed as he took a lazy drag off the cigarette and let the smoke drift from his nostrils as he trained his blue gaze on him.

"Kirsten would kill us."

"I won't tell," He replied.

Something told her it was true. There were a lot of things Ryan wouldn't tell.

---- ----- -- --------- --------- -- --- -- -- - - -- ----------

He'd been there 2 hours before she kissed him. Something had been building in the apartment as they'd talked. Hailey was more mature. She'd finally decided to accept her place in her family and be a grown up. She was wiser. He'd felt something with her. They had a connection. The air was thick.

And he'd talked to her. Told her how Seth resented him for Kirsten's anger. How Teresa wanted his love and commitment and he couldn't touch her. How Marissa enjoyed making him hurt.

And she'd talked to him. Told her how Jimmy sometimes said Kirsten's name in bed. How her boss at the restaurant kept feeling her up. How Kirsten resented her for Caleb's favoritism.

She'd kissed him impulsively, leaning across the table. She needed to see if that glint in his eyes was innocence or experience. His tongue probed into her mouth and she knew he tasted her need. He tasted like smoke and sex.

She moaned into his mouth but had her hands on his head so he couldn't pull away. It had been so long since she'd had a partner that could make her feel what she was feeling now.

"Ryan…" She whispered when he finally turned away, gasping for air. "I'm sorry…"

He was stricken. "Are you?" He asked in his breathless voice. His blue eyes were dark with conflicting emotions.

"Not really," She answered after a beat. She stood up and looked down at him. "So let's think about this…"

"No," Ryan said. "This is just wrong…"

Hailey knew he was right. The fact that he was turning her down drove home how mature she was. But it made him want her more.

"We're insignificant in the general scheme of things. No one will know. And we can have a few minutes of mindless fun and still walk away clean," She said.

"Hailey…" He shook his head.

"No strings." She sat down in his lap and kissed him. He didn't pull away. He needed this, too.

-----


	2. Two

"_We might kiss when we are alone  
When nobody's watching  
We might take it home  
We might make out when nobody's there  
It's not that we're scared  
It's just that it's delicate…"_

_                -Damien Rice_

He was sitting on the bed in the motel room when she peered through the window.  She watched him for a moment before knocking.  He was staring at his opened palms.  He didn't look like a seventeen year old boy; he looked like a man that worked his ass off.  He was still in his work clothes, a blue jumpsuit with his name stenciled over the pocket.  He needed a haircut.  He sensed her presence and glanced up.  He smiled.

She found that the door was open and when she stepped inside, his arms were around her.  He smelled like sweat and car grease, but she didn't care.  She was more concerned about the phone call that had brought her here.

"Hey, Ryan…" She started.  He silenced her with his kiss.  His hands squeezed her arms before settling on her lower back.  He was always tentative, waiting for her to make the first move. 

"Hailey…" He tasted like cigarettes. 

"You called, I came…"

"You haven't come yet," He murmured as he started to kiss her neck.  She smiled.

He was kissing her urgently.

"Ryan…what's going on?"

"I'll tell you after…I…I need you, Hailey…just for a little while…I don't want to think about anything except making you moan…" He whispered between kisses. 

She relaxed as his hands hit all the right spots as he undressed her.  He was urgent tonight and took her to the bed before she could protest any further. 

Afterwards, he pushed himself off her and went into the bathroom. 

"Ryan?" She knocked on the door when he didn't come out. 

He swung it open.  "Hey.  Thanks for coming, Hailey…I just needed to see you," He admitted.

"What happened?" She put her arms around him and guided him to the bed.

"I got into this fight with Teresa and…and I just needed to be with someone…I needed to get out of there…" He murmured. 

"What about?"

"Nothing."

"Ryan…"

"It was nothing.  I'm just tired…" He muttered. 

So he'd called her to come and comfort him but he wouldn't tell her what had happened.  She knew it was something big, she could see it in his eyes.  But she didn't push him.  She lay down with him on the bed and held him in silence. 

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore.  "Ryan…"

"I have to go…I'm sorry, Hailey, for calling…" He started to sit up.

"No, don't be sorry, Ryan…I just wish you could talk to me…" She said.  He'd been a sounding board for her since their first tryst.  They were into double digits on trysts now. 

"I can.  I do…I just can't talk about this.  Not right now," He replied. 

"Okay, honey…it's okay," She said.  And she meant it.  He needed someone to hold him and if he let her be that person, then she was grateful.  He'd dried her tears enough in the past few weeks. 

"Thank you, Hailey…" He said, cupping her chin and kissing her deeply. 

"You're welcome.  You can't stay?"

"I can't stay.  I'll call you tomorrow…"

She stopped him by taking his wrist.  He looked at her.  "You call me if you need me."

He nodded. 

----- ------ --------- ---- - ------ ------

Hailey heard Seth's angry voice filter into the kitchen.  She glanced outside and saw Kirsten, Jimmy and Sandy by the barbeque.  She'd come over with Jimmy for Sunday dinner. 

"Why do you even come here?  Don't you have your own family to go home to?"

She waited for Ryan's reply but heard nothing but silence.  

She was immediately tense.  She knew how hurt and upset Ryan was about Seth's leaving and returning.  He thought that it was his fault, he thought everything was his fault. 

"No, you're here because you're too busy turning my family against me…"

"You know it's not like that, Seth…"

"Then why does my mom hate me?"

"She doesn't hate me and why don't you ask her?"

"Because she won't talk to me…"

Hailey winced, knowing how rare it used to be to hear them arguing.  But after Seth's return, Kirsten's frigidity toward him had affected everything.  Seth blamed Ryan for his mother's anger toward him, he couldn't accept the fact that she was truly upset with him.  He'd started arguing with Ryan whenever he was at the house visiting.  But only when Kirsten wasn't around.  Sandy had heard them once and had stern words for Seth but the only reason she knew was because Ryan had confessed it to her. 

"What are you even doing here?  You left this all behind…" Seth was saying.  Hailey wanted to break up the argument but didn't get the chance.  Kirsten walked in and gave her a curious look.  "You left this family to go live with that little tramp you knocked up…"

Kirsten gasped.  She rushed into the other room.  Hailey followed her, knowing that this was Kirsten's worst fear.  She knew that Ryan and Seth hadn't been as close since his return but Kirsten was still waiting for them to make up.  This wasn't what she wanted. 

"How dare you say that to him!" Kirsten snapped at Seth.  Ryan was silent.  He turned and walked past Hailey into the kitchen and into the backyard.  Hailey wanted to stop him, embrace him and tell him that Seth would come around but she couldn't.  He didn't even meet her gaze.  They were barely acquaintances when they were here.  It was when they were alone that mattered.  She'd wait.

"Mom…" Seth started.

"He left because he had a reason, he's trying to grow up and take responsibility for his actions.  You left because you wanted to throw a tantrum.  I won't let you talk to him that way.  You should be ashamed.  I raised you better than this," Kirsten snapped. 

"But Mom…"

"No.  Go to your room.  Sandy will come up and talk to you later," Kirsten ordered.  Once Seth had stormed up the stairs she turned to face Hailey. 

"You okay?"

"Where's Ryan?" Kirsten asked. 

"He went outside, I think…"

"Did you hear what else Seth said to him?  Is he upset?" Kirsten asked her sister. 

"I didn't really hear anything…" Hailey lied. 

Kirsten gave her an impulsive hug, needing the contact.  She hurried onto the patio.  Ryan was helping Jimmy by the barbeque.

"What's going on?" Sandy asked.  "Kirsten?"

"Is Ryan okay?"

"He's fine, what's wrong?" Sandy replied, putting his arm around her. 

Hailey looked over and couldn't tell that anything out of the ordinary had happened.  Ryan was talking quietly with Jimmy and was completely composed. 

"Nothing, honey…nothing," Kirsten replied.  "I'll tell you after dinner."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course."

Hailey wished she could smoothe over the family turmoil for her sister but she couldn't.  She couldn't fix anyone's life.  Not even her own.  She glanced over and caught Jimmy's smile.  Ryan didn't acknowledge her. 


	3. Three

She didn't mean for anything serious to come of it.  But she enjoyed talking to him.  More than she should.  He'd call and she'd be alone and they'd listen to each other.  His quiet words gave her more comfort than hours of conversation with Jimmy would yield.  He'd stopped coming by the house for Marissa after their first encounter.  They'd stuck to motels until she got her own place.   She'd left Jimmy two weeks ago, unable to cope with his inattention or Marissa's rebellion.  Ryan would call sometimes after visiting her sister and he'd stop by.  They talked on the phone almost daily, but when they were together, they barely spoke.  They didn't need words, they needed comfort.  They understood each other.  They were both failures.  Trying to make things right when the only things that felt right for them was wrong.  It was like they were always trying to fix their mistakes but they couldn't stop making them. 

No one knew about their friendship.  She still saw Jimmy and was Kristen's confidant.  But she knew more about Ryan than she could ever tell.  She trusted him.  And she knew that he trusted her, too. 

She cared about him.  More than she'd ever cared about Jimmy.  They had a connection that was stronger than their ages or their familial relationships.  It was like electricity. 

It was late.  She was watching the Valley on DVD and cursing the rain when she heard the timid knock.  She opened the door and didn't recognize the dead look in his eyes.  He was soaked. 

"What happened?" She pulled him inside.

"I caught her.  With Eddie," He whispered.

"You're freezing…" She realized that he was shivering.

"I gave up everything for her…" He murmured, not listening.  "For nothing…it was all for nothing…"

She ushered him into the bathroom and undressed him as she warmed up the shower.  His cell phone rang incessantly as she bathed him, trying to get the cold out of his flesh.  Finally, he stepped out and slung the phone against the wall, shattering it.  She didn't scold him, but gently pulled him back into the stall so she could finish rinsing him.

She'd never seen him so angry.  He was physically incapable of relaxing, his anger ran as deep as his bones.  She wasn't afraid that he'd hurt her, she knew better, but she was afraid his anger was going to replace the caring and goodness that she loved about him.  She was worried that he'd never look at her without anger in his eyes.  She pulled him out of the shower and dried his dripping body. 

He didn't look like a kid to her.  His muscles were well defined and well earned.  She knew he worked hard, his hands were like sandpaper.  He was still shivering and she led him into her bedroom.

He'd never stayed the whole night before.  She pulled the covers back and he sat down on the bed.  He lowered his face to his hands. 

"Honey…it's going to be okay…"

"You really believe that?" He muttered.  He knew she didn't.  He'd been around long enough to know that things rarely turned out okay.  They never turned out okay.  She climbed in beside him and wrapped her arms around his bare chest.  She held him until he finally fell asleep. 

The next morning, he wasn't beside her.  She walked into the kitchen and found him standing in front of her stove, cooking. 

"Ryan?" She called timidly. 

"Morning," He replied. 

"What's going on?" She asked suspiciously. 

"I wanted to say thank you.  For letting me stay last night."  He returned his attention to the food. 

Hailey narrowed her eyes, aware that he wasn't saying everything.  "You're **_not_** going back to her, are you?"

"I won't let her be with Eddie."

"If she wants to be with him…"

"She wants me," Ryan said, not looking up.

Hailey sighed.  "What do **_you_** want?"

"I want this child to have a decent life.  And I'll do whatever I have to do." He glanced at her for a long moment.  "If I have to be with her…completely…then I'll do it…"

She knew he would.  He would sacrifice everything to help Teresa's child, whether it was his or not.  He was trying to cling to his life, his life with the Cohens but he kept letting himself get pulled further away.  He didn't want to be with Teresa, he didn't love her that way but he'd give up his chance at happiness completely to keep her safe. 

"Hungry?" He asked.

"Sure.  Thanks," She said.  She sat down at the table and he served her a plate of eggs, sausage, bacon and a cup of coffee the way she liked it. 

He didn't sit down across from her.  He sighed.  "I have to get back."

"I can't believe I'm asking you this, but…will you still come and see me?" She sounded pathetic.  Desperate.  She didn't want him to think that she needed him but she wanted to see him.  She wanted him to be around.

He hesitated.  "You have become my best friend, Hailey…but I have to…"

"I don't care if you're with Teresa," She said immediately.  "It doesn't change anything between us."

"Are you sure?  Because I don't cheat…" He said quietly.  She didn't respond immediately.  She knew that he hadn't been sleeping with anyone else…but she didn't know he was so adamant about monogamy. 

"We're not cheating.  We're friends."

"Friends," He stated, searching her face with his piercing eyes. 

"Call me, Ryan.  We're friends.  If you need anything…"

"I'll call, Hailey."


	4. Four

Hailey didn't see or hear from Ryan for over a week.  At first, she thought that his conscience had gotten to him, that he had committed his life to Teresa and couldn't talk to her.  Then she found out that he hadn't called Kirsten or Sandy either. 

She didn't want to chase after him.  She wasn't desperate, she had a boyfriend.  She was still with Jimmy and Ryan was going to be with Teresa.  But she was worried.  It wasn't like him to not call Kirsten or Sandy.  It wasn't like him to disappear. 

She was visiting her sister and stepped outside to smoke a cigarette while Kirsten was on a conference call when she heard Seth on the phone.

She knew that Seth and Ryan hadn't spoken much since Seth's return apart from Seth's accusations.  But within the past month, Ryan had confessed to her that he had never missed anyone as much as he'd missed Seth.  She knew that part of the wall between them was due to Kirsten.  Kirsten didn't want Ryan to feel responsible for Seth's running away and she had unknowingly wedged them apart. 

"Dude, listen to me…you can't go after him…" Seth was saying.  "Dad's not here, okay?  Ryan, listen…call the police…you know you can't stop him, you're only going to get arrested or hurt…Dude, please…"

Hailey didn't know what Ryan was saying but she could see the effect his words were having on her nephew.  Seth was worried.  All she wanted to do was take the phone from him and talk to Ryan. 

But she couldn't.  there would be too many questions.  As far as Seth, Sandy and Kirsten were concerned, she and Ryan were merely acquaintances. 

"Ryan," Seth said urgently.  "You can't leave Teresa right now…she needs you…I'll get Dad and we'll be right there…you shouldn't be alone, don't ask me to lie to Dad…Wait, man, and I promise we'll figure everything out.  Okay?  You'll wait?  Okay, Ryan, we're on the way…" Seth hung up and jumped when he saw her beside him.

"What's going on?"

Seth was dialing his phone as he answered.  "Teresa's ex, Eddie, beat the hell out of her and Ryan is flipping out…"

"Shit," Hailey muttered as Seth walked inside with the phone to his ear. 

She was chilled.  Ryan couldn't catch a break.  Her phone buzzed.  "Hello?"

"Hailey."  It was Ryan.

"I'm at Kirsten's.  Are you okay?  I heard Seth…" She walked away from the house, standing in front of the poolhouse.

"I'm…they won't let me see her and…I'm going to kill him…but Seth says wait…"

"You have to wait for Sandy…please…" She leaned against the cool glass of the window.  "Please, Ryan."

He sighed.  "Wait, I'm waiting…"

"What did he do to her?"

"He…he hurt her…she was unconscious when I got home and…he ran…I had to get her to a doctor, I couldn't go after him…so I let him go…" His words were soft like he was out of breath.

"Ryan, you have to relax.  Is she okay?"

"I don't know…she's alive…this has been the worst week…"

"Where have you been?"

"Eddie's been fucking with me…but I didn't touch him…she begged me not to…and now she's…oh god…"

"Just breathe, Ryan…take a breath…

Hailey could hear him force out a shaky breath.  "Sandy's coming?"

"Seth was calling him…"

"I have to go…"

"Wait for Sandy.  Promise me."

"I'll wait." The line went dead.

Hailey turned around and gasped.  Sandy was standing beside her, confusion and anger on his face.  "Sandy…"

"Was that Ryan, Hailey?"

She didn't know how much he'd heard.

"Please tell me I'm wrong."

"You're wrong," She said.

"I have to go.  But we're going to talk about this…"

"Sandy…"

He met her gaze with an icy stare.  "This would kill your sister.  He is a kid…"

"He's not a kid, Sandy…"

"He is 17 years old and he has enough to deal with…I have to get to him."

Hailey sighed.  She was shaking.  She knew he was right, Ryan had enough to deal with.

She wished she didn't care about him so damn much.

----- -------


	5. Five

Hailey was sitting at her apartment.  Seth, Sandy and Kirsten hadn't called.  Ryan hadn't called.  It was 3 am and she was drinking her fourth rum and coke.  The vodka had run out hours ago. 

The knock on the door didn't surprise her but finding Sandy on the other side did.  He stepped inside.

"How is he?" She asked quietly.

"I'm not going to answer that.  I need you to tell me what your relationship is with my son."

Hailey could see that he meant his words.  Ryan was his son. 

"Sandy…"

"Are you sleeping with him?"

She didn't respond.  She wouldn't look him in the eyes.

"How long?"

"A while," She whispered.  "We're friends first, Sandy, it's not about the sex…"

"God, Hailey, he's seventeen!" Sandy said. 

"He's a 40 year old in a 17 year old's body!"

"Hailey, I love Ryan, but he's got a lot of baggage…whose idea was this?"

"He wasn't sleeping with Teresa.  Marissa's fucking everyone except him…"

"So you decided to seduce him?"

"No…it just happened.  He tried to stop it…but it was inevitable…"

"Hailey.  It's wrong.  He's family."

"I know," She whispered. 

"How…how could you do this?" Sandy was upset.  He sat down.

"It…it wasn't all me…"

"Oh, I know…" He sighed.  "Ryan seems to have a weakness for the women…"

"How is he?  How's Teresa?"

Sandy sighed again.  "He wouldn't leave her.  She's still unconscious."

"The baby?"

"It's not looking good, Hailey.  Kirsten stayed with him.  Seth and I came back."

"Did you tell Kirsten?"

"Hell, no.  We just want Ryan home with us, Hailey.  You're supposed to be his aunt…not his lover…"

"I'm his friend."

"I don't want you near him," Sandy stated quietly.

"What?"

He was serious.  "I'm worried about Ryan.  And Kirsten.  You know it's the right thing."

"But…" Hailey paused.  She had to be an adult.  She wouldn't react.  She wouldn't show Sandy how much she needed to see Ryan.

"I'll explain it to him.  Do you think he'll walk away from us for you?  Do you want that?  Do you want to make him explain this to Kirsten?"

"No.  But we're friends and if he reaches out to me…"

Sandy sighed.  "You can talk to him, if he reaches out.  But the sex…it has to stop.  What about Jimmy, Hailey?'

She covered her face.  "He comes by…like, once a week…"

"Maybe you should try to reconnect," He said quietly. 

"I'll leave town," Hailey whispered.

"Don't leave.  Kirsten…she can't lose anyone else right now.  But the sex…"

"Has to stop."

"He needs a stable environment." Sandy's phone buzzed.  "Yes?"  He listened and sighed.  "How's Teresa?  I'll be there first thing…"

Hailey held her breath.

"The baby's gone.  Teresa's condition is still the same, unconscious."

"And Ryan?"

"Eddie's in jail.  Ryan's with Teresa.  Kirsten says that…that he's quiet."

---- -------------

Hailey got a call from Sandy 2 days later.  She hadn't left the apartment since he had gone.

"Sandy?"

"Has he called?"

"No, where is he?"

"He's here.  In the poolhouse.  He hasn't said a word since we brought him back.  Teresa's dead."

"Oh no…"

"She woke up and started asking about Eddie.  When Ryan told her that he was in jail, she got angry and kicked him out…"

"Oh god, she was angry because Eddie was in jail?  That bitch…"

"But Kirsten wouldn't leave.  She told Teresa about the baby and upset her…the doctors came in and made Kirsten leave.  When she came back with Ryan later, Teresa…she'd hung herself in the bathroom."

"No…"

"He won't eat.  He won't talk or cry…"

"God, Sandy, this is going to kill him…"

"I wanted to let you know, Hailey, and to see if he'd…if he'd reached out…"

"He hasn't called…have you told him that you know?"

"No."

"I could come for Kirsten…"

"No."

"What if I could help?" Hailey whispered.

"It's wrong, Hailey.  I'm serious.  If he calls, be his friend.  But you can't see him."


	6. Six

Hailey paced. She couldn't stop thinking about Ryan. She wanted to take care of him, to tell him that it wasn't his fault. She knew he needed her. She wanted him to need her. Because she needed him. She was a bad, awful person.

It was wrong. Sandy was right. Kirsten would never forgive her and she might hold it against Ryan who needed all the love he could get. He needed a mother, he needed Kirsten and Hailey wouldn't do anything to take him away from her.

So why did she hurt from the lack of him? She knew he was in pain so she had to suffer, too. She deserved it. She made everything worse. She threw another complication into Ryan's life. She wouldn't go to him.

------------------

Sandy walked slowly to the poolhouse with a tray of food. He was going to make Ryan eat. It had been two days since they'd seen him eat anything. Two days since he'd spoken or acknowledged them. Three days since he'd found Teresa hanging in the hospital bathroom.

Sandy stepped inside, not bothering to knock. Ryan was lying on his side, exactly where he'd been the last time Sandy had left him. "Ryan. You have to eat."

Ryan didn't respond. He didn't blink or react in any way. Sandy put the food down on the chair and sat down beside Ryan. He grabbed him by the shoulders and hoisted him to a sitting position.

"Ryan. You have to snap out of it. You have to eat. You have to take a shower. You have to get out of this bed…"

Ryan's blue eyes were glazed but when Sandy released him, he didn't lie back down, he continued sitting.

"Am I going to have to spoon feed you?" Sandy asked. "Ryan?"

Ryan gave him a blank stare.

Sandy dipped his hand into a glass of water that was sitting on the nightstand. He splashed water on Ryan's face. Ryan didn't react.

"Goddammit, Ryan…" Sandy snapped, frustrated. He looked back over and saw Ryan's eyes focused on him for the first time in days.

"Hey…" Ryan murmured. "What's going on?"

"Ryan…"

Ryan glanced around him, curiously. "How the fuck did I get here?"

"You've been here for a couple of days, kid…" Sandy wasn't sure how to react to Ryan's sudden return to lucidity.

"Days?" Ryan asked. He put a hand to his face. "Why am I wet?"

"We've tried everything to get you to respond to us. How're you feeling?"

"What do you think? Teresa's dead. The baby's dead. And if Eddie ever gets out of jail, he'll be dead, too," Ryan muttered.

"Ryan, stop…"

"I need to get out of here…" Ryan said suddenly, standing up before Sandy could stop him.

"Wait…"

"I can't…"

"You're going to go to Hailey's?" Sandy asked quietly.

Ryan froze. He didn't say anything.

"It's not exactly the best time for us to have this conversation, but let's try it. Sit down. Talk to me." Sandy kept his voice even.

Ryan sat down. He put his face in his hands. Sandy put a hand on his back.

"You're not in trouble, kid…"

"Really?"

"It wasn't a good decision, Ryan. Sleeping with Hailey…"

"She told you?"

"No. I heard her talking to you on the phone."

"Shit…I'm sorry, Sandy."

"Tell me what happened."

"She…we…we're friends. We were friends. I…"

"Its okay, Ryan. I'm just trying to understand."

Ryan sighed. "Sometimes, it's like, nobody understands but Hailey. I can't explain it, I know its wrong, I know that it would fucking kill Kirsten…but it helped, Sandy…"

"It has to stop, Ryan."

"I know."

"But you were still going to go to her?" Sandy asked.

"No…"

"Where were you going to go?"

Ryan started to breathe shallowly. "Teresa's dead…"

"I'm sorry, Ryan, but it wasn't your fault…"

"The baby, it wasn't mine, Sandy, but I would have done anything to keep her from going back to Eddie…I had to try and protect her…but if I hadn't…if I had left her alone, she'd still be alive…"

"Ryan…"

"And Hailey…it just happened…"

"Relax, Ryan." Sandy patted him on the back again but Ryan was still visibly upset.

"I don't think I'd make the right choice if it bit me on the ass…it all turns out wrong…" Ryan muttered.

"You made a mistake…"

"All I ever make are mistakes…"

"Ryan…"

He stood up again, shaking off Sandy's hand. "What are you going to do? What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to rest. Relax. Sit down, Ryan, don't run. You are safe here. We're your family and we love you. You're home…"

"I don't have a home, Sandy…not anymore…I walked away from this…"

"And now you're walking back to it," Sandy said, standing up and taking his shoulders so the boy would look at him. "This is your home. Everything else is trivial right now…"

"Kirsten…"

"Doesn't know about you and Hailey. And she won't as far as I'm concerned. I need you to promise me that you'll think about what you're doing with her…"

"It has to stop."

"Are you going to be able to deal with that?"

Ryan met his gaze steadily. "I have no choice. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt Kirsten. And this…"

"It should never have happened."

"I'm sorry…"

"I want you to eat something," Sandy said. "Sit down."

"I need to go for a walk…"

"I'll come with you," Sandy replied. "I don't want you to be alone…"

"I need a cigarette…" Ryan sighed.

"Can't help you there," Sandy replied. "What can I do for you?"

"Let me go. I'll be back in a few minutes. I'll eat, I'll shower, I'll be fine if you can just give me a few minutes to myself…" Ryan whispered.

"Tell me where you're going?"

"I'm going to walk down the path to the beach."

Sandy handed him his cellular phone. "Take this. And answer it if it rings. You hear me?"

"Thanks." Ryan nodded.

Sandy pulled him into a hug and after several moments, Ryan returned it, grateful.

"Sorry I'm so out of it…"

"You're talking now. One step at a time."

--------

Hailey answered the phone on the first ring. "Hello?"

"Hey."

"Hey, kid…" Her voice shook. "How're you doing?"

"Not so good. I guess…I guess you heard…"

"I'm so sorry, baby…"

"Don't. Sandy talked to me…" He couldn't take her endearing words right now.

"Yeah, me, too. It was fun while it lasted, right?"

"Hailey…"

"I know. It's done," She sighed, grateful that she got to hear his voice.

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't be sorry. You…I care about you, Ryan. I will always care about you. And we're still friends…"

"We're family. We can't be friends anymore. Not for a while."

She knew he was right. She had to leave him alone. She had to walk away.

"Hailey. I care about you, too. But we can't do this anymore. I'm sorry…"

"Yeah, me, too. Are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah. Are you?"

"Yes. Absolutely. Don't worry about me, kid, I'll land on my feet…" Hailey laughed nervously.

"I have no doubt. I'll see you around, Hailey."

"Yeah. You will." She waited until he hung up before closing her phone.

She wished he hadn't called. She preferred the limbo to the closure he'd just offered her. She had to stay strong and do the adult thing for once in her life. She'd let him go. She'd let him grow up and maybe one day…he'd come back to her.


	7. Seven

_"So why do you fill my sorrow  
With the words you've borrowed  
From the only place you've know  
And why do you sing Hallelujah  
If it means nothing to you  
Why do you sing with me at all?"_

_                --Damien Rice_

"Hailey, I'm so glad you guys could make it today," Kirsten smiled, embracing her as she stood on the porch with Jimmy.  "It's been so long since you've come over, it's like you're avoiding us."

"You know that's not true, Kirsten," She smiled.  Jimmy had his arm around her shoulder. 

It'd been three weeks since she saw Ryan.  Since she'd spoken his name.  She wasn't the same and her coworkers had even noticed.  She didn't really give a shit about anything anymore.  The most she could manage was pretending that everything was okay.  Jimmy had his arm around her.  But there was barely anything between them now except the sex.  Jimmy seemed satisfied with his weekly visits and they made appearances together at the usual Newport functions but he didn't know that she was lost.  Lost without Ryan.

She didn't want to be here.  She was smiling, teasing Jimmy with her low cut shirt as they walked inside, but she didn't want to be here.  She didn't know if she could handle seeing Ryan.  Three weeks was still too soon. 

She didn't want to pretend that she didn't care about him today.  She wanted to be alone in her apartment where she could wallow in the memory of him.  But she had to make an appearance.  Kirsten was worried about her. 

"What's wrong?  You still not feeling well?" Jimmy asked, concerned.  It wasn't his fault that he was good at his job.  It wasn't his fault that she didn't love him the way he deserved.  He was a good man.  But he wasn't Ryan.

"Nah, I'm fine.  Let's go outside," Hailey said, taking his hand and walking outside.

"Come on, Ryan, you can't stay in there, it's a cook out, thus the word "out", God!" Seth was standing in the opened door of the poolhouse.

"Hey, nephew Seth," Hailey said.  She released Jimmy's hand and started over to him.  Better get it over with.  "What's going on?"

"Well, since Ryan's been back, he's developed this weird allergy to sunlight and he refuses to leave the poolhouse or open the blinds," Seth gave her a hug and waved his arms at the opened doors of the poolhouse. 

"Really?  What's up, kid?" She asked, leaning on Seth as she looked into the poolhouse.  It was tidy, as always, the only thing out of place was Ryan's lean body stretched across the bed. 

"Seth's trying to annoy me to death," He replied, not meeting her gaze.  He had his arms behind his head and his eyes were locked on the ceiling. 

She should have known that he'd have those cold eyes for her.  She turned away with a fake smile.  She'd wanted him to look at her with a need like she felt.  She needed him.  But he wouldn't let himself need her.  He was stronger than her.  He could hide his feelings.  She had to walk away. 

"So how's the kid been?" Jimmy was asking Sandy when she approached him by the barbeque. 

"Ryan?  Oh, he's making it," Sandy replied.  He wouldn't look at Hailey.  He focused on Jimmy.  "He's pretty anti-social but Seth's trying to get him out of it…we take it one day at a time."

"Marissa's not doing so well, either.  She's out of control.  I'm beginning to think Julie was right for suggesting an inpatient place for her," Jimmy replied.  Hailey put a hand on his shoulder. 

"Inpatient?  It's that bad?" Sandy asked.  His gaze flickered to Hailey for an instant.

"Yeah.  She's…she sleeps around, she's always drinking…she's into drugs…and nothing I say seems to get through to her," Jimmy confessed. 

"Sounds like you've tried everything," Sandy nodded.  "I'm sorry, Jimmy."

"Yeah, me, too.  I love her, I just wish I knew how to help her," Jimmy replied. 

Hailey wandered into the kitchen to help Kirsten oversee Rosa's cooking.  They sat side by side at the counter. 

"So where've you been, Hailey?"

"Lazy.  Newport's hell if you're used to the jet set," She answered. 

"Everything okay?  You look down," Kirsten replied.

"I'm okay."

"You're not happy with Jimmy.  We can all see it.  Have you said anything to him?"

Leave it to her sister to point out the huge mistake she'd made.  "I'm not living with him anymore," Hailey replied. 

"But you're still dating…"

"I see him when he has time for me," Hailey whispered.  "He's so busy that he barely has time for anything.  I figured I'd just let it die.  I'm not really interested in anyone else right now and I'd hate to upset him."

"Hailey, you shouldn't lead him on.  Communication is key to a working relationship.  If you care about him, you should be honest," Kirsten replied.  "He cares about you…"

"And I care about him.  Just not the way he deserves…" Hailey said.  Her gaze was locked on the poolhouse.  Seth was still standing in the doorway, talking animatedly.

"Seth and I are doing a lot better," Kirsten said, mistaking her attention.  "We're working things out."

"I'm glad.  What happened?" Hailey needed the distraction. 

"We talked.  I shouldn't have blamed him for needing to get away.  You used to always run from your problems.  Seth didn't feel right being here with Ryan off in Chino.  He didn't understand why Ryan had to leave.  And I didn't understand why Ryan leaving meant he had to leave.  But we talked.  Not me lecturing and him pouting, but we actually talked.  And when our talk turned into an argument, Ryan intervened," Kirsten said quietly. 

"He intervened?"

"He said that we were both being stupid.  He locked us in the poolhouse until we understood each other.  God, we were pissed," Kirsten smiled.  "The whole time, Sandy and Ryan sat on the patio looking at us.  I wanted to kill them."

"But you're both okay now?"

"Yeah.  He's my son.  I was just so hurt that he'd leave me…that I wasn't thinking straight.  So now, our family's back together…"

"What?" Hailey could see something lingering on her sister's face.

"I'm so glad that my family's back together…but Ryan's just so sad and I don't know what to do for him," Kirsten admitted.  "His grief seems to run deeper than his strength, it's like all that's left is sadness…"

Kirsten's words forced the air out of Hailey's lungs.  To hear a mother speak of her son like that was heartbreaking on its own.  But it was breaking Hailey's heart into pieces.  She could make him better.  She could take his pain away. 

But she couldn't. 

"Hailey?"

"I'm going to go check on Jimmy," She said, walking away from her sister.

Kirsten watched her, curiously.

---- - ---- - - -- - -- - - - - -- - --  -----  --------------- -- -- - ---


	8. Eight

---- - ---- - - -- - -- - - - - -- - --  -----  --------------- -- -- - ---

"Hey, kid.  How're you doing?" Jimmy Cooper was standing alone on the patio when Ryan finally left the poolhouse.  Sandy, Kirsten and Seth didn't force him to join the family for dinner, instead silently acknowledging his solitude.  They'd taken him a plate of food after eating together.

"Jimmy," Ryan gave him a slight nod.  He sat down and lit a cigarette.

"Kirsten lets you smoke?"

He shrugged. 

"I can't stop Marissa from doing what she wants either…" Jimmy sighed.  He sat down beside Ryan.  "Have you talked to her?"

"I haven't talked to Marissa in months," Ryan replied.  "I'm sorry…"

"No, it's okay.  You…you did what you had to do…"

"I tried, Mr. Cooper.  When she'd call, I'd come.  When she'd arrange a meeting, I'd go.  She was never there.  She was fucking with me.  I had to make a decision.  I'm sorry that I couldn't help her," Ryan said quietly.

"I know.  I appreciate you trying…I always knew she was safe with you, kid.  She's not doing so well."

"Summer said that she's sick," Ryan acknowledged.

"Do you think…would you try and talk to her?"

Ryan regarded Jimmy with smoke drifting from his nostrils.  "I don't think I'm the model subject for mental health these days."

"I know, I'm sorry for even asking but…"

"Jimmy?  Are you ready to go?" Hailey's voice startled them both from the house. 

"Yeah, Hailey, just a minute," Jimmy called back.

"I don't think there's anything I can do, Mr. Cooper.  It's too late."

"Just…just think about it, okay?" Jimmy said, standing up.  Hailey appeared at his side, her gaze bouncing between them.

"What's going on out here?"

"Nothing.  Just saying good night to Ryan," Jimmy smiled at his girlfriend. 

"Oh.  Good night, Ryan."

"Hailey." He whispered her name as the couple walked away from him.  He inhaled off his cigarette.  He should've stayed in the poolhouse.

---- - ---- - - -- - -- - - - - -- - --  -----  --------------- -- -- - ---

"What were you talking to Ryan about?" Hailey asked, trying to keep her voice level as she unlocked her apartment. 

"I was hoping he'd take a shot at Marissa.  Maybe she'll listen to him…"

"God, Jimmy, why would you put that on him?" Hailey asked.  She couldn't believe that Jimmy would ask him to do that. 

"I have to do everything I can to help my daughter, Hailey, you wouldn't understand," He sighed, closing the door behind him. 

"I wouldn't understand?"

"She's my daughter and I have to try and help her," Jimmy said quietly.

"She's your daughter, she's your responsibility, not Ryan's.  He's got enough on his plate…"

"Since when are you Ryan's defender?" Jimmy asked. 

"He used to come by the house when I lived there.  He'd have driven all the way from Chino to see her because she'd call him, and Marissa would have just left…she was playing with him, Jimmy.  She's just like her mother…"

"Marissa is nothing like Julie, you don't even know her," Jimmy snapped.

"And you do?  When's the last time you sat down and talked with her?  She's your daughter, not an extra-curricular activity, Jimmy…"

"What's this about?"

Hailey forced herself to calm down.  "It's about you taking care of your daughter without putting the blame on a kid…"

"I'm not putting the blame on Ryan, I was just seeing if he could help her…" Jimmy protested. 

"He can't…"

"Hailey, you don't even know Ryan…"

"And you do?  Because he used to be here to save your daughter?  Do you even know what he's been through these past few months?  Having to take care of Teresa and trying to be here for his family, too?  Do you have any idea what he's been going through?"

When she turned to face him, she knew that she'd said too much.  He was staring at her. 

"What?" She asked.

"I knew there was another man, but…but…wow.  Ryan?  Really?" Jimmy shook his head in disbelief.  It was like the pieces all came together for him. 

"What are you talking about?" Hailey whispered, wishing she could stop the blush from rushing onto her cheeks. 

"I knew you were cheating on me.  As soon as you moved out.  The first night you had me over here, I knew."

"What?"

"The first night, Hailey, I found condom wrappers in the trash.  Not my brand.  I knew you saw other men but…Ryan?"

"No, Jimmy," Hailey said, shaking her head.  This was getting too out of control.

"Look at me," He demanded.  "Tell me I'm wrong…"

All she could do was shake her head.  No one was supposed to get hurt.  No one was supposed to find out, it was over, she didn't want to hurt Jimmy.  Finally she whispered, "No."

But Jimmy was shaking his head now.  "You can't deny it, not after that little rant you just gave me…"

"I'm not cheating on you," She said.  And she wasn't.  Not now.

"Let's slow down for a second," Jimmy said, turning his back on her.  He sighed. 

She walked over to him and put a hand on his back. 

"Don't…" He whispered.  "Don't lie to me…"

"Jimmy…"

"You're sleeping with Ryan?" Jimmy said suddenly.  "God, Hailey, he's Marissa's ex-boyfriend, he's Kirsten's son!  He's seventeen!"

"Jimmy…" Hailey tried again.

"Does Kirsten know?  God, she couldn't…what were you thinking?"

"You're totally overreacting.  I'm not cheating on you.  I'm not cheating on you with Ryan…" Hailey said seriously.

"You're lying to me," Jimmy stated flatly.

"No…"

But Jimmy stormed out of the apartment.  He didn't believe her.  What the hell was she going to do?  She sat down and started to cry.  Half an hour had passed before she opened her phone.

------ ---- - -- - ----- -------  - - - ----


	9. Nine

------ ---- - -- - ----- ------- - - - ----

"Sandy Cohen," He said into his phone. He was sitting in bed watching his wife brush her hair. He never understood why she would brush it before she went to bed.

"It's Hailey."

"Didn't you just leave here? What's up?"

"Jimmy knows."

Sandy glanced at Kirsten as he sighed.

"Who is it, Sandy?" Kirsten asked.

"Okay," Sandy said into the phone.

"Sandy…" Hailey started.

"Why don't you come over? We can talk this all out."

"Sandy, what the hell…"

"It's time to come clean. We'll be waiting," Sandy said.

"Are you…"

"Don't run away. Come over."

"Okay. Okay, Sandy. You'll tell her?"

"I'll tell her." He closed the phone.

"Honey?" Kirsten called.

"I have something to tell you. And you're not going to like it. You probably won't understand it because I sure as hell don't…" Sandy started.

"Sandy, what…" Kirsten was worried.

"I love you, Kirsten, and they love you, too, they're just horribly misguided…"

"Sandy, tell me, who's coming over, what is it?" Kirsten demanded.

"Hailey's coming."

"Hailey? Is she okay? What's going on?"

"Somehow, while Ryan was in Chino…"

"What does Ryan have to do with Hailey?"

"How do I say this…they were lovers…"

Kirsten's gasp shook Sandy. He looked at her and saw that all the blood had rushed out of her face. "Sandy…say that again…"

"Hailey and Ryan were…close, Kirsten. Closer than any of us could ever have imagined. Hailey…I found out and I told her that it had to stop…"

"Sandy…" Kirsten whispered.

"Hailey's coming. She said Jimmy knows…" Sandy added.

Kirsten was silent.

"Kirsten…"

"I have to hear it from Ryan," She said suddenly, getting up and rushing from the room.

"Kirsten…" Sandy followed her.

---- - ---- - - -- - -- - - - - -- - -- ----- --------------- -- -- - ---

"Tell me. Did you sleep with her?" The pool house door slammed behind him.

Ryan was already on his feet. Jimmy took it as a sign and walked over, facing the boy down.

Ryan met Jimmy's gaze. "Who."

Jimmy hesitated at his whispered words. "Hailey."

Ryan's lowered gaze gave the man the answer he needed. He pulled his arm back and punched Ryan in the face. Ryan didn't defend himself and was stunned by Jimmy's first blow. Before he could fully recover, Jimmy swung again, successfully knocking Ryan to the floor of the poolhouse.

"Jimmy, stop it!" Kirsten's voice startled the man and he hesitated.

"Kirsten, its okay…" Ryan said with a cough.

"It's not okay, Jimmy, he's a child…" Kirsten went to Ryan's side and took his arm, attempting to help him to his feet.

"He's been fucking my girlfriend!" Jimmy exclaimed, flushed.

"Step away from him, Jimmy. I mean it," Kirsten warned. Her eyes were dark with anger. "He made a mistake, God, they both made mistakes but he doesn't deserve to get hit…"

"Jimmy, let's take a walk," Sandy put his hand on Jimmy's shoulder and guided him outside.

"Kirsten…" Ryan started. He had a cut over one of his eyes that was bleeding.

"Let's get you cleaned up," She said flatly, pulling him by the arm into the bathroom.

"Kirsten…"

"Sit down," She snapped. He sat down on the closed toilet and didn't speak.

Kirsten silently cleaned his cut and put a small band aid over the wound. She sighed.

"You want to explain this to me?" She asked.

"I don't have an excuse…"

"I'm not asking for an excuse. How did this happen? Tell me. I'm listening." Kirsten sat down on the edge of the tub.

"Marissa used to call me. While I was in Chino…and I'd always go over when she'd call, no matter where I was…and she was never there. Hailey…she invited me in. And we talked. She listened to me, Kirsten…and it was like…she understood…" Ryan whispered.

"You're lovers…"

"Not anymore. But we were…for a while…" Ryan's gaze was locked on the floor.

She sighed. "I don't know what to think about this…"

"It was a mistake…" Ryan murmured. Kirsten touched his swelling face gently. Her eyes were kind when she tilted his face to look at her.

"I love you, Ryan. Like my own son. Nothing you do will ever change that. But this…"

"I'm sorry…"

"I don't know what…"

Ryan stood up. "I'm sorry…I should go…"

"No, Ryan…"

"For a few days. To let you deal with this…" Ryan said.

"No, Ryan, don't walk away from us…"

"I'm not. I swear, I was going to bring it up to you tomorrow anyway…Luke wants me to come visit him. In Portland." He wouldn't meet her gaze. He was ashamed. He'd hurt her. He never wanted to hurt her.

"Ryan, I don't think you're in any shape to be going anywhere," Kirsten replied, standing up and putting her hands on his shoulders. "We just got you back. Don't leave."

"Kirsten…I'm sorry…"

She pulled him into a hug. "I know…"

"Everything…it just gets worse…I make everything worse…" He whispered, shaking in her embrace.

"Hailey's coming over, Ryan…"

Ryan pulled away. "What about Jimmy?"

"Sandy's talking to him. He shouldn't have hit you. But you shouldn't have slept with Hailey. She's…" Kirsten started.

"Family…" He whispered.

"And so are you…this is just…I never considered this…" Kirsten muttered.

"I never meant…"

"You weren't thinking with your head, Ryan. I'm…I just can't believe this…" Kirsten said, walking out into the poolhouse.

Ryan followed her silently. She turned to face him again. She sighed.

"Kirsten…" Hailey's voice was tentative from the doorway.

Ryan didn't move. He didn't look up. He wanted to look at Hailey and tell her that it wasn't a mistake, that he needed her and that she helped him more than he could ever say. He wanted to look at Kirsten and tell her that he loved her and respected her and would die before he did anything to cause her pain. But he wouldn't choose. He wouldn't look up.

"Ryan. Maybe you're right. Maybe you should call Luke," Kirsten said quietly. She wanted Ryan to stay but with Hailey and Ryan both in the room, she realized that she couldn't take it. "I need to talk to my sister."

Ryan didn't respond.

"Kirsten…" Hailey started. "What's going on?"

Ryan silently went to his closed and picked up an already packed duffle bag. He slung it over his shoulder. Kirsten seemed surprised. She didn't look at Hailey, she went to Ryan's side.

"You're already packed? Why are you packed?" She asked, stopping him with a hand on his arm.

"I slept with your sister," Ryan whispered, his blue eyes meeting hers for a painful second. He looked at her hand on his arm. He walked away from her toward the door.

"Wait…what's going on? You're sending him away?" Hailey gasped.

"She's not sending me anywhere. I'm going," Ryan said quietly. He allowed himself a moment to look at Hailey. She looked so sad. He wanted to hug, just to touch her but he wouldn't. "Tell Jimmy I'm sorry." He continued past her, not reacting when she reached for him.

"Kirsten…"

"You slept with Ryan. How long?"

"What?"

"How long was this going on?" Kirsten demanded. She had to be gentle with Ryan, he was a part of her family, but still too new for her to risk alienating him. Hailey was different. She'd known Hailey forever. Hailey's place was sealed in stone in the family. She needed answers.

"We…we stopped, we haven't seen each other in weeks," Hailey replied. Kirsten was standing close to Hailey. Hailey deserved her anger. She wouldn't be surprised if Kirsten didn't tackle her and initiate a wrestling match like when they were kids. The pain of her hair being pulled wouldn't top the pain of Ryan walking away. For either of them.

"When did it start?"

"When Ryan was in Chino. He was just…so sad and alone…and so was I…"

"God, Hailey, you have Jimmy, you have me and Sandy…"

"But it's different with him…he doesn't know me, he doesn't know me like you guys do…he's never seen my mistakes, only heard about them and he doesn't care because he's not perfect either…it's like I'm a real person to him, not just 'the bad seed', I'm real to him," Hailey said. Somehow, she had to make her sister see that it wasn't wrong. Well, it was wrong, but she had to make her sister see why she did it.

"He's a kid. He had a girlfriend and a baby on the way…" Kirsten's face was stern. But she was listening.

"Teresa was never his girlfriend. He didn't love her, that's why she started sleeping with Eddie…"

"What are you talking about?" Kirsten didn't follow Hailey's thinking.

"He was only sleeping with me. He wasn't cheating. I was cheating," Hailey said. "We…we're friends, Kirsten…"

"He's family. You slept with my son…"

"He's not a child, you know that just as well as I do…he's not a child…"

"He's never had the chance to be a child. My family, this is supposed to be his family, his chance to see how real families work…"

"Kirsten…"

"I can see that he cares about you, Hailey. But Jimmy cared about you, too. He was the sparkle in your eyes for a long time…how long 'til you toss Ryan aside, too?"

"It's not like that, we knew we could never be together like that…" Hailey whispered.

Kirsten shook her head. "Then why get involved? When so many people could get hurt?"

"We…we needed each other…"

"I'm pissed, Hailey. I'm really pissed. This is the worst thing you've ever done…" Kirsten said. "But you're my sister and I love you. Sometimes I wonder why…but…" She sighed. "Do you love him?"

"I don't think I've ever loved anyone before…but I think I might…" Hailey confessed. "But we know that it can't happen…"

"Why don't you go into the kitchen and make a pot of coffee? I'm going to see if Ryan's still here…"

"Where is he going?"

"I made a mistake. He isn't going anywhere." Kirsten believed Hailey. Somehow, in her twisted Hailey way, she had fallen in love with Ryan. Kirsten had to accept that Ryan was a man. He wasn't a child. She didn't think he'd ever been a child, he'd always been forced to be the adult. He was the adult with his mom, he was the adult with Marissa and Teresa, and he was probably more mature than Hailey. Kirsten couldn't make him a child. It was too late. But he was family. She loved him and she knew that he loved her. He was hurting and it was her responsibility to try and make him stop.

---- - ---- - - -- - -- - - - - -- - -- ----- --------------- -- -- - ---


	10. Ten

---- - ---- - - -- - -- - - - - -- - --  -----  --------------- -- -- - ---

"Did you know about this?" Jimmy asked Sandy as they stood in the den. 

"Yes.  I found out a few weeks ago…"

"Sandy, you're my friend, why didn't you tell me?"

"Because Ryan is like a son to me," Sandy said seriously.  "He…he didn't…I can't make excuses for him, Jimmy, but he didn't grow up around here…his family…he doesn't make decisions like anyone I've ever met…he does everything on impulse…"

"He was fucking Hailey for months…"

"Jimmy."

Jimmy sighed and turned away from Sandy.  "I know…It's my fault, too…I wasn't enough for her…"

"Jimmy, this isn't your fault…"

"I've been spending so much time trying to get my life back, making money, saving money, that I didn't pay attention to what was happening around me.  Hailey…Marissa…I didn't see any of it until it was too late."

"I'm sorry, Jimmy…"

He sighed.  "I shouldn't have hit him…he didn't deserve that…" Jimmy said.  "Can I apologize?"

"Let's give him some time with Kirsten," Sandy replied. 

Ryan walked in.  He didn't acknowledge the men, walking through the room and out the front door.

"I'll be right back," Sandy said, startled.  He hurried out behind Ryan, calling his name. 

Ryan didn't stop, he walked down the driveway.  Sandy had to sprint to catch him.  He spun him around by the shoulders.

"I'll call you as soon as I get there," Ryan said.

"Where are you going?  No one said you had to go, you can't leave," Sandy said. 

"I'm going to Portland.  Kirsten agreed that it's for the best.  For a few days."

"No, Ryan.  I overrule her…you're not ready…" Sandy protested.  They'd just got Ryan back.  He wouldn't let him walk away again.  This wasn't supposed to happen.  Sure, there would be drama and tension in the house but Hailey and Ryan could handle it.  No one was supposed to leave. 

"I have to go.  Let me go…" Ryan whispered.

"No…"

"Please.  It's killing me, Sandy…I have to go…give them some time, give me some time…"

Sandy shook his head.  "I don't want you to go…"

"Kirsten…I won't do this to her.  And Hailey needs her sister more than anything…they're the ones who need to work it out.  Let me go."

Sandy didn't release Ryan's arm.  Finally, Ryan pulled away. 

"I'll call you when I get there."  Ryan turned.

"How are you getting to the airport?"

"A cab's picking me up at the gate," Ryan said as he walked away. 

Sandy turned and walked up the driveway.  He met his wife at the door.

"Is he gone?"

"How could you send him away?"

"I…I made a mistake, he said that he was going to bring it up anyway, that it wasn't because of this but I…I told him to go, it was just too hard seeing them together…" Kirsten said quickly.  Sandy slowed her babble down by pulling her into his arms.  "I was wrong…she loves him…" She whispered.

Sandy knew she was right.  He'd known it when he confronted Hailey the first time.  He'd just hoped that he was wrong. 

"Sandy…"

"It's okay…he'll come back…all of this is going to work out…"

"God…"

"Come on, honey.  Jimmy and Hailey are waiting.  And somebody's going to have to explain this to Seth…"

------- - ---- - -- - - - - --------------- -- - -- --------------

Ryan didn't take a flight to Portland.  He was better with heights, but not that good.  He'd never been on a plane before.  He didn't trust his nerves to last.  He took a bus. 

Luke met him at the bus station. 

"Damn, you look like hell," Luke said seriously when he met him in the terminal.

"You, too," Ryan replied.  Distance hadn't helped Luke.  He looked tired and stressed out. 

Luke smiled.  "It's good to see you, man."

"Yeah."

Ryan found out a lot of things after he tossed his bag into Luke's brand new Cadillac  SUV.  Carson Ward hadn't become a better parent after bringing Luke to Portland.  He was enjoying his new freedom and tended to bring home different men every night.  Luke couldn't really handle it.  He hated going home.  He hadn't even enrolled in school for the fall.  He hadn't dated since Julie.  He said he spent his nights driving around and going to the gym. 

"So, man.  You've listened to my sob story.  What's yours?  Why'd you take me up on my offer?" Luke asked. 

"Because.  I know how you feel, now.  The whole thing with Julie Cooper and how it got out of control…"

"What are you talking about?"

"You slept with your ex's mom.  I slept with my foster mother's sister…"

"What?" Luke almost drove off the road.  "You slept with…Hailey?"

"Yeah."

"What happened to Teresa?  And Marissa?  Damn, man, was I gone that long?"

"Teresa's dead.  Eddie's in jail.  Marissa…she's out of control, I haven't talked to her in months.   She's on drugs, she's sleeping around…everything's a big mess.  And I…I can't stop thinking about Hailey…"

"Harsh.  Damn, man…are you okay?"

"I don't think so.  Is this my hotel?"

"Yeah.  I told Dad you were coming.  He's paying the tab."

"Man, I can't…"

"Hell yeah, you can.  I earned this.  He got us two rooms.  Fully stocked bars…"

"Luke…"

"Come on, man.  We need some fun.  Both of us."

Ryan glanced at his friend.  "You're right.  We're not in Newport anymore."  He'd been drinking from a fifth of whiskey since he got on the bus. 

"I thought I needed cheering up, but I should have thought before I invited the king of brood up here to cheer me up."


	11. Eleven

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Seth wasn't sure what was going on.  His parents had told him that something had happened between Hailey and Ryan but they were so vague about it and so upset that he didn't understand what they were talking about.  He just knew that Ryan was gone again.  And his parents were upset. 

Hailey opened the door on the third knock.  "Seth."

"Hey, Hailey.  Can I talk to you?"

"Sure."

He stepped in.  His aunt was drinking at eleven am.  But Hailey was always a partier.  He sat down on her couch.

"So what happened?"

"What?" Hailey asked.

"What happened?  Why is Ryan gone and why are my parents so upset?"

Hailey hesitated.  "What did they tell you?"

"That something happened between you guys and Ryan…he left.  There was a standard disclaimer attached, that it was their fault for pushing him away and how he always runs when he gets freaked out…but I don't get it and they're in no shape to explain it to me."

"Seth…"

"Obviously, you're not in much shape either," Seth realized.  Hailey looked awful now that he was closer to her. 

"We had an affair.  That's such a shitty way to put it," Hailey slurred.  "But it sounds better than saying we were fucking…"

"You and Ryan.  Wow…that's not what I was thinking at all…" Seth replied.  "Wow…"

"I'm sorry…"

"Why are you sorry?  It was bound to happen eventually…"

"What?"

"Ryan, the bad boy from Chino, Hailey, the bad girl from Newport, of course…" Seth smiled.  He squeezed his aunt's shoulder.  "Why are you so sad?"

"Kirsten…I never wanted to upset her…you're really not mad?"

"No, Hailey.  I'm not.  I mean, I'm surprised, because he was in Chino…"

"Yeah.  You weren't really talking to him and he was really…he was lonely.  And so was I…it just happened…"

"Okay, Hailey.  So where's Ryan?  Why aren't you guys…"

"We can't be together…"

"Why?"

"Because, Seth…"

"He's not related to you, Hailey, not by blood.  If you care about him, if he cares about you…"

"It's just not…"

"Okay, Hailey, I'm not going to lecture you.  You look like you've had enough of that lately…but where is Ryan?"

"I don't know.  Your parents won't tell me," Hailey confessed.

"Do they know where he is?"

"Yes.  They do."

"Okay."  Seth embraced his aunt impulsively. 

"What's that for?"

"You're sad.  I've had enough of this family being sad.  I wasn't there for Ryan this summer and you were.  Thank you.  Now I have to go find my brother," Seth said, standing up.

"Seth…"

"Why don't you come over to the house for dinner tonight?  Summer's coming and Dad's cooking swordfish again.  You shouldn't be sitting around here drinking.  Come on, Hailey.  We need to get you out of this funk…"

"Seth…"

"Summer and I will pick you up around six.  Try and be sober, okay?" Seth said. 

"Seth…"

"No argument," Seth said, standing up.  "I'll see you at six."  This stupidity had gone on long enough.  Seth had spent the whole summer being angry at Ryan and his mother, he'd wasted all that time being upset when the root of everything was his fault.  He'd left because he wasn't strong enough to handle what he'd interpreted as the loss of his brother.  He'd almost lost his mother and brother because of it.  He would show his family that he'd learned from his mistake.  He would be the bigger man and he would get his family back together...

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	12. Twelve

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Ryan had been in Portland three days.  He hadn't been sober since checking into the hotel.  Luke had developed quite the tolerance for alcohol and he could drink, pretty much constantly.  Ryan was learning.  He'd passed out by the pool the first night.  The second night, they'd gotten kicked out of a bar when he started a brawl with one of the bouncers.  Tonight, they were staying in. 

Ryan was relaxed.  Luke wasn't a big conversationalist, unless it was about trivial things like football or video games.  It was nice not to be pressured to talk about what was on his mind.  Of course, the alcohol had precipitated a couple of deep conversations.  Luke wanted to come back to Newport.  Even with all the drama, he missed his home.  He missed his mother and his brothers.  He didn't like who he'd become. 

Ryan had talked a little, too.  He thought he loved Hailey.  He didn't think Kirsten would ever forgive him.  He wished he could've saved Teresa and the child.  He would kill Eddie if he ever saw him again. 

But basically, they drank and lounged. 

The phone beside Ryan's bed rang.  He glanced at it, curiously.  He had his cell phone, he'd left messages for the Cohens telling them he was safe but no one should know where he was staying. 

"Who's that?" Luke was staring at the phone from the couch in Ryan's room. 

"Room service?" Ryan muttered.  "I don't know." He smiled as he heard the slur in his own voice.  He'd have a bad hangover tomorrow.  But he'd drink it off.  He might as well enjoy it while it lasted.

"Answer it," Luke said, his eyes closed.

"Okay." Ryan picked it up.  "Can I  help you?"

Luke laughed from his seat.  He fell off the couch. 

"Ryan?"

"Who is this?"

"It's Seth…"

"Is everything okay?  How'd you get this number?"

"You haven't been answering your cell phone so I had to pump Mom and Dad for information and then I had to track down Luke's Dad…"

"What?  What's so urgent?"

"I'm coming up…"

"What?  You're coming up?  What the fuck…" Ryan was totally confused. 

"I'm downstairs.  I'm coming up." The phone went dead. 

"Who the fuck was that?  And why do you look scared?" Luke asked from the floor.

"Seth.  He says he's downstairs," Ryan stated flatly. 

"What?" 

Ryan didn't get up.  "That's what I said."

"What the hell is Cohen doing…"

There was a knock on the door. 

"Fuck.  You get it," Ryan sighed. 

"You're closer."

"Yeah, but you're already up."

"I'm not up…"

"You're in the floor, Luke," Ryan replied.

"Oh.  Yeah." Luke scrambled to his feet and went to the door.  He opened it.

"Luke.  Hey…you look…wasted." Seth stepped in.  "Ryan?"

"Yeah, I know…"

"You're drunk?  You guys…what the hell are you guys doing?" Seth asked, his face red with confusion.

"Drinking.  That's about it," Luke said, staggering to the couch and sitting down heavily.

"It's like…eleven am," Seth replied.  "What happened to you guys?  You both look like you've been in a war."

"Yeah?  Damn, it's early," Ryan said.  Ryan remembered the brawl from the previous night.  Luke was bruised too and Ryan had two black eyes. 

"But…"

"Everything's fine, Cohen.  We're just drowning our misery for a few days.  It's not a big deal.  Ryan came here to relax…"

"And drinking equals relaxing?" Seth asked.  "I'm calling my Dad…"

"Seth, stop it.  What are you doing here?" Ryan asked. 

"I came to check on you, you haven't answered your phone and Mom and Dad are really worried…"

"I'll call them…" Ryan got up slowly and started to look through the drawers.  "Luke, have you seen my phone?"

"Um…didn't you break it?"

"What?  When?" Ryan asked.

"At the bar last night.  You threw it at that big dude and it broke.  It was pretty funny…" Luke smiled.

"Oh.  Yeah.  Seth…"

"Here.  Call Mom.  Now.  Tell her that you're drunk and beat up and totally out of control," Seth held out his phone.

Ryan stared at him.  He didn't take the phone.

"Cohen…what are you really doing here?  I mean, if Sandy and Kirsten were so worried, then…" Luke started.

"First off, they're taking care of Hailey…" Seth said, watching Ryan for a reaction.  "Seems she's a little upset, too and needs a little TLC…"

"Seth…" Ryan whispered.

"Secondly, I asked to come.  Ryan and I haven't exactly been on the best of terms lately and I wanted to come and make sure he was okay…"

"I'm okay…" Ryan sighed, sitting down on the bed without taking the phone.

"Man…"

"I'm going to go crash in my room.  Ryan, wake me up around…dark and we'll see about that club we heard about."

"Sounds cool.  Thanks, Luke," Ryan nodded.  He didn't really want to face Seth in his current state but he didn't have much choice.  Luke had enough on his mind without having to hear this 'family' discussion.  Luke staggered out of the door.

"Man…what's going on?"

"Nothing, Seth.  Luke invited me up and it seemed like a good time for me to get out of Newport," Ryan sighed honestly. 

"You didn't take a plane, did you walk here?"

"Bus."

"You haven't talked to anyone in person, you've been sending your calls straight to voicemail and you…"

"I didn't think anyone would really want to talk to me…"

"You're wrong," Seth said, sitting down beside Ryan on the bed.  "And you're drinking…"

"I never drink.  I've never let myself drink.  But I need to relax, man.  The past few weeks…"

"Have been hell for you, I know.  With Teresa and now Hailey…"

"I'm sorry about Hailey, Seth…"

"I'm not.  I think you guys would be great together…"

"What?" Ryan thought he must be too drunk. 

"You heard me.  It's weird and twisted…but when you get down to basics…you guys are good together…"

"We can't be together…"

"Did you and Hailey practice that speech?" Seth smirked.

Ryan glared at him, hurt that Seth didn't see how much he was hurting.  He regretted it instantly.  He didn't want Seth to know.  He couldn't be with Hailey and he couldn't care about her.  He had to stop. 

"Ryan…"

"Seth, stop.  I came here so I wouldn't have to think about that…"

"You came here because you didn't want to have to deal with that.  You're drinking so you don't have to think at all.  Ryan, this isn't right.  You'd barely talk to anyone before you left, you'd barely leave the poolhouse…what are you doing here?  Can you honestly say you feel better?"

Ryan didn't answer.  He wanted Seth to go.  He wanted to drink.

"I'm worried that you won't come back.  You made a mistake, but it's not…it's not the end of the world…"

"I'm going to come back, Seth, just…"

"Ryan, listen.  Hailey, she loves you and…"

"Stop." Ryan held out his hands.  "Just stop."

"Please.  Just call Mom.  Tell her you're okay.  Listen to her."

"She doesn't want to talk to me…"

"You're wrong, they went to the airport the night you left, to try and talk to you, to tell you to stay…" Seth started.

"Seth…I think you should go home.  I'm okay.  I'm alive, I haven't slit my wrists or swallowed any painkillers…"

"You've just been drunk for the past three days and you spent, what, a day and a half on a bus?"

Ryan didn't mention that he was drunk on the bus, too. 

"Please.  Call them…just talk to Mom, talk to Hailey…"

"No, Seth!  Why are you doing this?"

"Because you're in trouble…"

"I'm not in trouble.  I need to get my head together, I need to give Kirsten and Sandy some space…"

"What about Hailey."

"We can't be together, Seth…"

"You love her…"

"Seth, stop it!" Ryan got up off the bed and went to the bar.  He sloshed some whiskey in a glass and swallowed it in a frantic gulp.  "You don't understand…"

"Then explain it to me!" Seth replied, trying to stay calm. 

"I can't.  I can't explain it to you, Seth…"

"Yes, you can, you just won't.  Ryan, please…"

"I'm not in trouble.  I don't need to be rescued, I don't need to be saved…"

"Come on...don't you see that…it's like you're sinking, man…"

"You shouldn't be here, you shouldn't have come…" Ryan muttered. 

"Ryan…"

"No…"

"Ryan." Seth was standing beside him.  "Please.  Sit down.  I won't make you talk, I won't make you argue…I just want to call my parents and tell them you're okay.  Will you talk to them?  Just for a minute?"

Ryan looked at Seth. 

"Please."

Ryan sighed.  He sat down on the bed.  Seth sighed, too.  He sat down and opened his phone. 


	13. Thirteen

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"Hello?" Sandy answered the phone on the first ring.

"Hey, Dad."

"Did you find him?"

"I'm with him now…"

"Let me talk to him…"

"Hang on…"

Sandy listened as there was a slight pause.  "Ryan?" He called finally.

"Hey, Sandy."

"Are you okay?" Sandy sighed in relief.  He was worried about the kid.  He had so much emotion that he wasn't letting out, Sandy knew that he was due for a meltdown.  And Sandy wanted to be there to catch him when he finally melted. 

"Yeah, I'm fine.  I'm in Portland, just like I said…"

"You said you'd call, not leave cryptic messages on our voicemail.  Are you okay?"

"I'm fine…"

Sandy could tell that he wasn't fine.  "Ryan…"

"Fuck you, Seth…" Ryan muttered distantly.  "Why did you send Seth after me?"

"Because he wanted to make sure you were okay.  You don't sound okay.  Are you drunk?" Sandy realized. 

"No…"

"Ryan…"

"I'm not drunk…"

Sandy heard Seth in the background.  "He's been drinking for days!"

"Ryan…"

"I…I'm sorry.  How's everything there?  How's Kirsten?"

"She's upset.  She thinks you left because of her…"

"I want her to fix things with Hailey…"

"What about you?"

"I won't hurt her…either of them…its better if I'm out of sight for a while…"

"It's not better for you, kid…for any of us.  You're a part of our family and you should be home…"

"Sandy…"

"You belong here.  You don't have to leave when you mess up, we're not your mother, we're not going to kick you out…"

"Sandy…"

"No, listen to me." Sandy waited until he heard Ryan's sigh.  "Come home and work through this.  You're not over Teresa and the baby yet and this shit with Jimmy and Hailey…you aren't alone anymore and you don't have to do everything yourself."

"I have to go…"

"No, Ryan.  Please…" Sandy needed to get Ryan home.  He was drunk and in a strange place and he needed to be home with his family.  Sandy was scared. 

Kirsten walked into the kitchen.  "Is that him?" She took the phone from him.

"Sandy…" Ryan started.

"It's Kirsten."

Ryan didn't reply immediately. 

"Honey, I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have let you go.  I love you.  I'm not mad.  Please come home."

"I…I came here because…"

"Because you thought I'd never forgive you.  I'm sorry, Ryan, but I've talked to Hailey and even though I wish it hadn't happened…you guys are adults and you shouldn't have to hide your attraction…"

"Kirsten, stop.  It's over between us.  I swear…"

"I don't care, Ryan.  I'm worried about you, Sandy's worried about you, hell, we let Seth fly up to get you…"

"I'm fine…"

"You are not fine.  You don't sound fine, Sandy's looks like you slapped him so I know you're not fine…"

"I'm fine…"

"Ryan.  Please.  Come home."

"What about Luke?  I came here because of him, too."

"I don't care about Luke, you can bring him with you for all I care, but I want you to come home.  Please.  You need to be here…"

"Nothing's going to change, Kirsten…"

"You have to talk to us…"

"I don't have anything to say…"

"Stop.  Listen.  You're hurting.  You lost Teresa, you lost your child and then…then we took Hailey away from you, too.  You're hurting.  You know it's true.  We're  your family and we love you.  We need you…"

"I…"

"Tell me you'll come back."

"I'm coming back, I was always coming back…"

She sighed.  She didn't believe him.  Even after all her convincing, she didn't believe that he was listening.  She couldn't get through to him.  "Ryan, please.  I love you.  Please come home."

"You guys are all overreacting…"

"I'm a parent, it's what I'm built for…"

"I'm fine…"

"Tell me why you won't come home…"

"I am coming home…"

"Tell me why you won't come home now.  I need to know.  Is it me?"

"No, Kirsten…"

"Then what?"

"I…"

"Ryan…I know it's hard…"

"I can't be there, Kirsten…I just…it's too hard…"

"What's too hard?"

"Being…being there…" He sighed.  "I need to go…"

"No, honey, please, try and talk to me…"

"I can't.  I'm sorry."

And the phone went dead.

"Sandy…"

"I know.  He's not okay.  I just hope Seth can get through to him," Sandy said, pulling his wife into a hug.

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	14. Fourteen

_**AN: Last update on this one for a while. Hope this tides all the great readers over for a while. Thanks for all the awesome reviews and encouragement. **_

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"Man…" Seth started immediately.

"Shut up. I'm going to bed," Ryan said, tossing him the phone and pulling back the sheets on the bed.

"Dude, its like, eleven in the morning…"

"Take a nap. Just leave me alone…" He climbed into bed, fully clothed and pulled the sheets over his head.

If it had been anyone else, Seth would have laughed. But it was Ryan. Strong, supportive, hero Ryan that was hiding under the covers. Seth was worried. He was chilled to the bone. He wasn't getting through to him and if he couldn't get through to Ryan, then…no one could. He was supposed to be Ryan's best friend. But Ryan wasn't listening.

Seth sat down on the bed. He knew that he was walking on thin ice, that Ryan was likely to hit him if he didn't leave him alone, but he had to do something. Ryan had never hit him but it was a risk he'd have to take.

"Ryan…I don't know what's going through your mind right now. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you this summer. I was an ass. I'm just glad that Hailey was able to be your friend. I hope she helped you. But I'm back now. And I'm sorry. I just want my brother back. I don't care if you're drunk or angry or sad…I just want you to come home…"

There was no response.

"And Mom is so upset. She loves you, she loves Hailey and the idea was weird and incestuous at first, but now…"

"Stop it, Seth, I mean it. I want to sleep." Ryan grumbled.

Seth pulled the covers back but Ryan wouldn't look at him. He had his eyes closed.

"Why won't you come home?"

"Because I'm not ready yet!" Ryan snapped. "God!" He got out of bed and stormed out of the room. Seth was stunned. He didn't get up to follow him.

He just wanted Ryan to stop running and come home.

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Hailey had been sleeping in the guest room at her sister's house. After Seth had found her at home a couple of days earlier and forcefully, with his little spitfire girlfriend, dragged her over for dinner, she hadn't left. Kirsten seemed to realize just how lonely and out of place Hailey was in Newport. Since she wasn't partying anymore, she really didn't have any friends. She was lonely and so used to traveling the world independently, she didn't know how to depend on her family. Kirsten was trying to bond with her sister. Kirsten had been making an effort to understand how she could do something like this.

But Hailey kept finding herself in the poolhouse. She'd fallen asleep a couple of times, just enjoying the scent of Ryan on the sheets. Even after Rosa changed the sheets, she still could smell him. She knew she was crazy.

She was in love with a teenager. She was in love with a kid. But he wasn't a kid. Every time she'd looked into his eyes, she'd seen his age, his wisdom. She'd seen his pain. She didn't think he had ever been a kid. From the little information she'd gathered about his past, he'd never had the chance, he'd had to step up and be an adult as soon as he was old enough to take a hit. She hurt for him. She ached.

She didn't know how he felt about her. He'd barely looked at her when he'd left. He'd just walked away. And it hurt. She was moping around here, wanting him and needing him and worrying about him but he was just gone. And she didn't know how he felt.

She barely registered the phone ringing in the poolhouse. She picked it up absently and answered it. "Hello?"

"Who is this?"

"Hailey. Who is this?" She retorted.

"It's…what are you doing there?" And she recognized him. Ryan.

"Why are you calling your own house?" She asked.

"Because…no one answered in the main house and…"

"What?"

"I thought…how are you, Hailey?"

"How are you?"

"I'm…I'm drunk, actually…" He sounded so far away.

"Ryan, it's, like, noon. You are still in this time zone, right?"

"I'm in Portland."

"Oregon? Why the hell would you go there?"

"Because you're not here…" He whispered.

"Ryan…" She gasped, stricken.

"I'm sorry, Hailey. I fucked up. I have all these feelings for you and…and I can't. I just can't handle being there with you and not being able to…to be with you. I…I don't know what to do…now Seth's here and Kirsten and Sandy think I'm flipping out…" His voice was low and rapid. She'd never heard him talk that fast.

"Ryan…you are flipping out. Calm down…"

"I…"

"Where are you?"

"I'm smoking a cigarette."

"Where?"

"Outside this shitty little store. Luke doesn't let me smoke around him so I'd quit…"

"Honey…"

"Don't, Hailey…"

"It's just us and I'll call you whatever I want…" She said, tears coming to her eyes. He sounded wrong. Something was wrong.

"Hailey…"

"I want you to sit down, kid. Please. I don't care where you are…"

"I can't sit down at the payphone."

"Where's your cell phone?"

"I broke it…"

"Ryan..."

"I just needed…I don't know why I called…"

"I'm glad you called. I miss you."

"This…we have to…"

"Ryan, listen. You're strung out. You're upset. Have you slept at all? Have you gotten any rest?"

"I can't…I can't stop thinking about you…about what we did…Kirsten, she says it doesn't matter to her, but it'll never be the same…"

"What are you saying?"

"I don't think I can come back…"

"Ryan, you can't mean that…"

"I don't know what to do, what to believe…I'm so tired and…"

"This is your home, Ryan. You know that, right? Don't make me be the reason you leave…I don't deserve that…"

"You don't, that's not what…"

"You left because of me. All of this is my fault. Let me take the blame, let them hate me…don't go because of me…"

"Hailey…"

"Please. You're too stressed out to be making a decision like this. Slow down and think about this. Talk to me…you used to try and talk to me…"

"I…"

"I'll leave before I take your family from you…" She said quietly.

"Hailey…"

"You called me. Talk to me. Please."

"God…this is tearing me apart…I don't know what to do…"

"Do you trust me?"

"What?"

"Do you trust me, Ryan?"

"I…yeah. Yeah, I do."

"Come home. We'll figure everything out. Please."

"Figure everything out? God, Hailey…"

"Please. You said Seth is there, right?"

"He was when I left. He's an annoying little bastard…"

"Ah, he gave you the pep talk, didn't he?" Hailey smiled, thinking of her nephew and his cheering up techniques.

"God, he's…he came all this way for him and I just bitched at him…"

"Hey, he earned it after all the shit this summer. Why don't you go talk to him? He came for you. Come home. It's not as bad as you think. Kirsten and Sandy…they're great. They're pissed at me, but I've still been sleeping in their guest room. They need you here. Please. You were gone all summer and…I don't think you've really come home yet…"

"I don't…"

"I don't care, Ryan. Come home. Please. For me."

"For you?" He whispered.

"Yes. For me. Please. I need to see you. I need you to be here."

"Hailey…"

"Please."

"Okay," He whispered.

"Yes? Shit, that's great, baby! That's great, what airport are you close to?"

"I can't fly…"

"What? How the hell did you get to Portland?"

"Bus."

"Bus? You took a bus? Damn, kid, you really wanted to get away, didn't you?"

"What are we going to do, Hailey?"

"You are going to go back to your hotel and start sobering up. Tell Seth to make the arrangements for you to come home. Seriously. Are you listening?"

"I'm listening. I'll come home."

"Really."

"For you. I'll do it for you," He whispered. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be sorry. I don't know what's going to happen, kid. But I know you belong here. Nothing's going to change that. God, you should know that by now."

"I'm sorry…"

"Ryan. Get some rest, honey. I'll see you when you get home."

"Thanks."

She didn't hang up, waiting for the dial tone.

"You know…you know that I care about you, right?" He whispered after a long pause.

"I know…I always knew…I care about you, too…"

"But we can't…"

"I know that, too. But it doesn't change the way I feel…"

"Yeah…okay. Bye."

He hung up. She put the phone down.

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	15. Fifteen

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Seth was pacing.  As soon as Ryan had stormed out of the room, he'd started to pace.  He'd pushed him away again.  He'd failed.  All he had to do was come up here and talk his brother into coming home.  But he couldn't. 

He wondered if he'd lost his chance with Ryan.  He'd spent the summer punishing his brother for leaving him.  He'd felt abandoned and alone.  When he'd returned, his mother would barely speak to him.  He'd struggled with losing his mom's attention and it had taken Ryan's tragedy to snap him out of his selfish trance.  He'd felt abandoned and alone and he wanted Ryan to stand by him.  And Teresa was abandoned and alone, too.  She'd needed Ryan much more than Seth had needed him.  Seth had been wrong.  He knew now that he'd been totally self-absorbed and egotistical.  So, he'd been trying to fix things, he'd been trying to get his brother back.  He'd watched Ryan sequester himself in the poolhouse, barely speaking after Teresa's death.  He'd listened to Ryan's monosyllabic promises that he was fine and okay.  In the past, he knew that Ryan would have talked to him.  But now…he wondered if it was too late. 

He didn't want to lose the only brother he'd ever have. 

There was a timid knock on the door.  He opened it and was relieved to see Ryan. 

"Hey.  I forgot my key," Ryan said, walking in.

"You came back."

"Where else would I go?" Ryan muttered, sitting down on the bed. 

Seth sat down on the couch.  "Ryan…"

"I'm sorry, Seth.  You win.  I'll come home," Ryan stated flatly.

"It's not a contest, Ryan…"

"I'm really sorry that you came all this way.  I'll come back with you.  I don't fly, so if you want to see about getting me a bus ticket then…"

"Ryan, stop.  Will you stop talking to me like I'm a machine and actually…and actually talk to me?" Seth asked quietly.

Ryan regarded him coldly. 

"I know that I…I wasn't here for you before.  I'm sorry…"

"You've been apologizing for weeks, its fine…"

"Obviously, it's not fine.  You used to be able to talk to me…"

"Seth, I'm drunk.  I'm tired.  You got what you wanted.  Maybe you should go ahead and head back.  I need to talk to Luke anyway…"

"Ryan, please…"

Ryan sighed.  He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit one.  "What do you want to know?"

"Are you always going to hate me?"

"I don't hate you."

"Then…"

"We're friends…"

"Family."

Ryan blinked.  "I guess family means different things to different people."

"Ryan…"

"I would do anything for you, Seth.  If you ever need help, if you ever need a friend, you know that I will be there in a heartbeat.  I'm sorry that I'm not saying what you want me to hear…"

"I just want you to talk to me, to talk to someone so…"

"So what?  So you can see how fucking much I hate my life right now?  So you can tell me how much I've failed, how much of a fuck up I am?  I don't want to talk, Seth, I don't need to talk, it isn't going to change anything.  It isn't going to change the fact that Teresa is dead, our baby is dead or the fact that I betrayed your family by sleeping with your aunt.  I cannot take back anything from the past few months.  I would've thought that out of everyone, you would have understood why I had to leave…" Ryan paused but ignored Seth's stricken face.  "I feel like I can't breathe there…the only thing keeping me sane was your mom and your dad…but if you had seen Kirsten's face after Jimmy hit me…it was like…it was like I had killed her…"

"Ryan…"

"She shouldn't have to forgive me, I shouldn't have hurt her…I had to leave, Seth…"

Seth didn't know how to respond, he hadn't expected Ryan to say so much, it was more than he'd said in weeks. 

"I'm going to bed," Ryan muttered after a long pause.  Seth knew he'd missed his window to counsel Ryan.  But at least now he knew where to start.  It was a start.  He settled onto the couch and Ryan passed out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

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"So you're going back," Luke said quietly.  He was sitting on the balcony of his room with Ryan.  Seth had fallen asleep on the couch and Ryan hadn't woken him when he walked over to Luke's room.  Ryan was smoking a cigarette.

"Yeah.  I guess I have to."

"What are you going to do?"

"I have no fucking idea.  What are you going to do?"

"I have less idea than you," Luke sighed. 

"Well, let's think about this.  You hate it here, right?"

Luke nodded. 

"So you're basically just twiddling your fucking thumbs and spending your dad's money, right?"

"Sort of," He muttered.

"Then why not come back to Newport?  I mean, if your dad gives you all this money just to keep you out of his hair, then why can't you stay out of his hair in Newport?  You could see your brothers, see your mom…"

"Damn, Ryan, I can't go back there."

"Why not?  Marissa…she's not exactly at the height of the social scene anymore from what I hear," Ryan replied quietly.  

"What do you mean?"

"She's…she's sort of got a reputation now.  She still goes to all the parties and everything, but…but she's a druggie…and she's pretty promiscuous, too."

"Damn."

"I don't think it'd be that big of a deal if you came back.  I mean, you're seventeen.  If you drop out of school now, you won't be able to go to college and you'll be stuck with your dad forever.  You have to be proactive," Ryan said.

"What the hell are you talking about?  This from the kid that hasn't left his poolhouse except to make a run for it to Portland?  You're telling _me_ to be proactive?" Luke snorted.  "Man, I appreciate your advice, I really do, but…when the hell are you going to snap out of this funk?"

"I don't know, Luke…It's like…" Ryan sighed and took a long drag off his cigarette.  "It's like there's nowhere that I fit anymore.  I can't be with Hailey, Teresa…she's dead and I don't even have a family of my own anymore…"

"Man, the Cohens…"

"Are great.  But they don't deserve to be dragged down into my issues…"

"That's what family is for, to pull you out when you get dragged down…"

"I don't know, Luke.  But Seth came here to get me.  Sandy and Kirsten are begging me to come back…"

Luke was studying Ryan's face curiously.  "But you aren't going back for them, are you?"

"Hailey.  She promised me that things would be okay."

"You trust her."

"I think so."

"You should.  If she…if she cares about you like you care about her…"

"Luke, she's Kirsten's sister.  You think we could date?  Go out in public?  Hell, no.  Never," Ryan replied.  "We can't."

"Ryan…"

"I came here because I needed to pull myself together.  I have to figure out who I am now…without Teresa…without Hailey…"

"What about the Cohens…"

Ryan was quiet for a long moment.  "I wouldn't have made it without them, Luke."

Luke nodded. 

"My parents…they were never there for me.  I learned that the only person I could depend on for help was me.  Trey helped when he could, but more often than not, I was the one that was helping him.  So, when the Cohens came for me…I've never had family that cared about me like that."

"You deserve it."

"And I fucked them.  I slept with Hailey."

"Ryan, you're not perfect.  None of us are."

"You should kick my ass.  I gave you hell for fucking Julie Cooper and…"

"Shit, man.  Hormones are a bitch," Luke sighed.  "So.  You're going back."

"Yeah.  I am."

"It was nice having you around, man," Luke said, shaking his hand. 

"You should think about coming back.  Seriously."

"I have been thinking about it," Luke sighed. 

"Well, give me a call, Luke.  Thanks for inviting me out," Ryan nodded. 

"Call me when you get home, okay?  The Cohens aren't the only ones worried about you."

Ryan gave Luke the finger and they both laughed. 

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	16. Sixteen

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Ryan walked back into his own room.  Seth woke up with a jolt as he closed the door.  "Jumpy much?"

"Hey.  Where've you been?"

"Talking to Luke," Ryan replied.

"Dad got us a couple of bus tickets home.  Are you sure I can't convince you to try flying?"

"Hell no," Ryan muttered. 

"You're afraid of heights.  I get carsick.  Maybe we could compromise," Seth replied.

"Compromise?  Like what, take a boat?" Ryan snapped.

"A train?"

"Fuck it, Seth, if you won't ride the bus, then just get a plane ticket and meet me there," Ryan sighed. 

"But…"

"I'm not taking a plane.  I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry for bringing it up," Seth muttered, disappointed. 

Ryan sighed again and turned to face Seth.  "Look.  I think you should call your dad and get a plane ticket.  I don't want you to have to ride back to Newport on a bus if you're going to be sick all the way."

"I don't want you riding back alone," Seth said quietly.  "I don't trust that you'll actually make it back."

"I'm packing now, Seth.  Where else would I go?  Teresa's dead, my mom's been MIA for like, a year now.  Where else am I going to go?" Ryan snapped. 

"Ryan…" Seth wasn't sure why Ryan was so angry.  But any emotion from Ryan was surprising at this point.  He'd been shut down so long that his flashes of anger were a welcome change.

"Whatever.  You don't trust me, that's fine.  But you better get out of my face before I decide to kick your ass."

"Ryan, why are you being like this?  Are you pissed off that I'm ruining your binge drinking weekend?  Or are you pissed off that it's me that came to get you?  It was my decision, I begged Mom and Dad to let me come, so I could talk to you, so I could try to settle things between us…" Seth said urgently.  "I'm sorry that Mom and Dad didn't come…"

"As you so kindly kept telling me this summer, the Cohens are your family.  Not mine.  But you better take a step back and get out of my face," Ryan replied.

Seth paled, stricken.  "Ryan…"

"No.  Teresa is dead.  The baby is dead.  I don't want your change of heart to be out of pity.  You can go to hell."

"Ryan…"

"I'm going to hit you if you don't get out of my face."

Seth stepped back but refused to leave.  "I'll let you hit me if you'll stop being such an ass…"

Ryan stared at him.

"Will it make you stop?  If you beat the hell out of me, will it make you stop acting like this?"

Ryan met Seth's gaze with cold blue eyes.  He turned away after a long moment and zipped up his dufflebag. 

"Ryan.  Please."

"Fuck you.  I'll see you in Newport."

"What…"

Ryan slammed the door behind him as he rushed from the room with his bags. 

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"How could you lose him, Seth?  You said he was coming home, the bus tickets are waiting at the station and…" Sandy said, worried.

"I pissed him off.  He said he'd see me in Newport.  I can't find him and Luke doesn't know anything…"

"Where the hell would he go?"

"As pissed off as he was, he'll probably walk," Seth muttered.

"Okay, Seth.  I want you home.  Stop looking for him and come home."

"But…"

"If he said he was coming home, I believe him.  Use your credit card and get the next flight home."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah.  I'm sure.  He'll come home."

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Seth had been home two days before anyone heard from Ryan.  Kirsten was sitting on the patio watching Hailey talk to Jimmy a few yards away.  They were trying to be friends again. 

Jimmy loved Hailey.  Kirsten could see it in his eyes when he talked about her.  But Kirsten also knew that he'd never gotten over his love for her.  Hailey was clearly a replacement for her.  Even Sandy had seen it.  Sandy would never say it out loud, but he knew that Jimmy was in love with her.  And if he couldn't have her, he'd accept Hailey and love her just as much. 

Kirsten cared about Jimmy.  They'd shared too much for her to just throw him out of her life.  Kirsten knew how Ryan must've felt when he left Marissa to take care of Teresa.  He loved them both. 

Now he loved her sister. 

And no matter how many times she flipped it around in her head, she couldn't deny that the two had a connection.  She'd never seen them together but her recent talks with Hailey had shown her that he'd actually opened up to her.  Hailey had gotten Ryan to talk.  She'd had actual conversations with him.  He'd told her things that even Sandy hadn't known about. 

So she was trying to put her motherly instincts aside and not think about how totally warped the situation was and think about what was best for her son.  For Ryan.  And if Hailey could get through to him, she wasn't going to force them to end it. 

Her cell phone buzzed quietly  against her waist and she put it to her ear. 

"Kirsten Cohen."

"Hey."

She'd recognize his whisper anywhere.  "Ryan.  Where are you?"

"Close.  I'm in town."

"Why haven't you come home?" She asked, walking around to the front of the house. 

"Because."

"Can I see you?"

"Yeah.  I'd like that," He admitted.  "I think…I think I need some help."

"Okay.  Where are you?"

"I actually got a hotel room at the Mermaid.  I'm sorry that I didn't come home first but…"

"I'm on my way, honey.  What room are you in?"

"109."

Kirsten didn't say anything to Hailey or Seth, she got into her car and left without a word.  She was pleased that he'd admitted that he needed help but she was also intensely worried.  He rarely admitted that he needed help.  She parked her car outside the hotel and tried to get her concern under control before she went to him.  Finally, she thought that she'd be able to see him without crushing him with her worry. 

She knocked timidly on the door.  After a short pause, it opened. 

"Hey," She said before pulling him into an embrace. 

"Hey, Kirsten…"

"Thank you for calling, we've been so worried…"

"I'm sorry…" He whispered.  When she released him, she realized that he was crying.  And from the look of his face, he'd been crying a while. 

"What's wrong?"

"It's…it's everything…" He said.  Kirsten put her arm around him and guided him to the bed.  She could smell the alcohol on his breath as she sat down beside him and pulled him into a hug.  She rocked him as he cried. 

"It's all going to be okay…"

Ryan didn't speak, he just cried.  Kirsten had never seen him this emotional.  He kept his emotions inside and they'd finally forced their way to the surface.

"Honey…"

"I'm sorry…" He murmured.  "I couldn't help her…she wouldn't let me…she loved him and she didn't believe that he'd hurt her…"

"Ryan…" She realized that he was talking about Teresa. 

"I was so mad at her…I know that she loved me, too…she made me go back to Chino, she made me promise to marry her…but I couldn't save her…I couldn't give her what she needed…and now…and now she's just dead and it's my fault…"

"It is not your fault.  You did everything that you could for her, you gave her everything you could, Ryan, it is not your fault…"

"People keep saying that…but it is my fault…Don't you see?  It's all my fault, everything…"

"No, honey, you haven't done anything wrong…" She had to make him believe it.  "You couldn't save Teresa, she made her choice, you couldn't have done anything differently…"

"But…"

"No, Ryan.  Eddie almost killed her and she still wanted to be with him.  She was so guilty after finding out that she lost the baby because of him that she couldn't take it.  She wasn't strong enough…"

He shook his head and pulled away from her.  "I'm not strong enough either…not anymore…"

"Ryan, you have to let yourself grieve…"

"I should've been with her instead of being here…I should've done what she wanted and left all of you alone…then she'd still be alive and you wouldn't…"

"I wouldn't what?"

"You wouldn't hate me…"

She took his shoulders in her hands and shook him gently.  "I don't hate you.  I love you.  You're my son."

"I'm not…"

"Yes, you are.  Maybe not by blood but you're my son.  You're a member of my family and I will do whatever you need to help you get through this."

"I'm so tired…"

"I know, honey…why don't you lie down and try to sleep?"

"I…"

"You're drunk.  I'm not going anywhere, I'm not calling anyone, I just want you to sleep."

"You don't have to stay…"

"Yes, I do.  Please, Ryan.  Just lie down." She brushed his shaggy hair from his face and gently pushed him to lie down.  He sighed and covered his face.  "Just rest, honey."

He was asleep within minutes.

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"Where's Kirsten?" Sandy asked, dropping his briefcase as he walked into the house.

"She's not answering her phone.  She left a couple of hours ago," Hailey said.  She was sitting with Seth in the kitchen. 

"She didn't say where she was going?"

"Nope," Seth answered solemnly.

Sandy pulled out his phone and dialed his wife.  She answered immediately.  "Honey, where are you?"

"I'm with Ryan."

"Where is he?"

"He's sleeping.  He's really upset, Sandy and he called me…I don't want to leave him."

Sandy understood.  "Can I come join you?"

"We're in room 109 at the Mermaid by the pier.  He's been drinking, Sandy and…and he was crying.  Tell Seth that I'm sorry I didn't answer when he called, but Ryan's in such a rough place right now that I didn't want to tell him where Ryan is."

"I'm on my way."

"Thanks, Sandy."

Sandy closed his phone.

"Ryan's back, isn't he?" Seth asked quietly.

"I'm going to go be with Kirsten."

"Is he okay?" Hailey asked.

"She says he's upset.  And he's been drinking.  I'll call as soon as I know something, okay?"

"Can I come with you?" She whispered.

"I'm sorry, Hailey, but not until we know he's okay."

"Okay.  You're right," She sighed.  She wanted to see him.  She needed to see him.  But she could wait.

"I'll call as soon as I get there."

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	17. Seventeen

_AN: I really wanted it to be easy. Honestly. But the characters don't do what I tell them to. They insist on making this difficult. Anyway. I stole an idea from a reviewer about Ryan hitchhiking. Why not? BTW: I have no idea how long it takes to get from Newport to Portland. I think Portland is in Oregon which is on the same side of the country as California. That's the extent of my geographical knowledge. I hope the story is still readable despite my ignorance. _

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Ryan woke up to the sound of voices.

"He's been asleep a while, Sandy. Since I first got here. I'm hoping he'll still be willing to talk to me when he wakes up," Kirsten was saying quietly.

He didn't want to talk anymore. He'd been upset since he checked in, he'd drank all the way from Portland, hitching rides with truckers. He'd gotten in a couple of fights but he'd made it back relatively intact. And he didn't know why he'd called Kirsten.

He'd been weak for a moment. He'd needed someone to hold him, someone to tell him that he was special, that he wasn't worthless. He'd needed a mother for a moment. His own mother had never comforted him, she'd only told him what he already knew. That he was a fuck up. He shouldn't have called Kirsten. She wasn't his mother, she was Seth's mother.

He should have known that it would escalate. Now Sandy was here. He was long overdue for a lecture. He didn't want to be lectured, he just wanted to be left alone.

But he didn't want that either. He was so torn.

Teresa was dead. The baby was dead.

And he'd ruined the one good thing in his life. He'd fucked up his life with the Cohens because of a fling. Because of Hailey.

But she wasn't a fling. He wished she was just a fling but he knew that he had feelings for her. And she had feelings for him. It definitely wasn't a fling.

"You said he was drinking?" Sandy's voice was gentle.

He'd done so much for Ryan and all he'd done was hurt his family. He'd taken his charity, his love and support and hurt his family. Seth hated him. Well, he said he didn't hate him anymore, but after the past few months of his barbs pelting into him, he couldn't accept that. Seth's anger came from somewhere and despite his change of heart, those feelings were still there. Kirsten…he'd betrayed her. He'd slept with her sister. And Sandy...he hadn't been his protégée. He'd been his disappointment. He was so torn. He didn't think it was possible for him to put himself back together again.

Kirsten's hand brushed across his forehead. "He's so tired. I just want him to be okay, Sandy."

Ryan couldn't let her comfort him anymore. He didn't deserve it. He opened his eyes.

"Hey, kid. How're you feeling?" Sandy smiled at him. He was clearly relieved that Ryan was back and safe.

"Okay."

"Sandy called and I told him I was here. I hope that's okay."

"It's fine," He said, sitting up. His head hurt. He needed a drink.

Kirsten seemed upset by Ryan's mood. "Honey…"

"Don't. I shouldn't have called you, I'm sorry," Ryan said immediately. He couldn't take her kind words. He started to stand up.

"I won't let you shut me out again," Kirsten replied, pulling him into a hug before he could push her away. He didn't want this, he didn't need this…but he finally relaxed into her embrace. "You're shaking…"

"I…"

"Ryan, we're going to help you. But you have to let us," Sandy said quietly. He patted Ryan on his back, standing beside his wife and foster son.

"What do you want me to do?" He whispered, not letting go of Kirsten.

"We want you to come home and let us take care of you," She whispered. "You're our son, you're a part of our family and we want you home."

"Will you come home?" Sandy asked.

He nodded with his eyes closed.

"Will you let us help you?" Kirsten whispered.

He nodded again. "I don't know if you can…but I'll try…"

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Seth was on the phone with Luke when his parents returned. Hailey was in the poolhouse, brooding.

"Yeah, they found him, Luke and they were with him when I talked to them last. I don't know how he is, I haven't seen him. I'll tell him that you called, okay? Thanks." Seth set the phone back on the stand and turned to see his father by the counter.

"Hey, Dad…"

"Hey, man," Ryan's voice startled him and he jumped.

"Hey…Luke just called for you. He's worried," Seth said.

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Ryan, when's the last time you ate something?" Kirsten asked, giving Seth a slight hug as she entered.

"Um…" Ryan hesitated.

"Rosa made lasagna last night, we'll put some in the oven for you," Sandy said immediately.

"And I'll make some coffee while you get a glass of juice," Kirsten said before he could respond.

Seth and Ryan were looking at each other nervously. Seth's face had flushed to a bright red.

"You still want to hit me?" Seth asked quietly.

"Yeah," Ryan replied evenly. Sandy and Kirsten turned, startled. Seth hadn't confided to them about the argument between himself and Ryan. Ryan smiled after a tense moment. "I'm kidding."

"Oh. Oh, yeah?" Seth replied nervously.

"Yeah. I'm sorry, Seth. I'm a little…off," Ryan admitted. "I appreciate you coming after me…"

"I'm sorry, too. For everything," Seth whispered.

"I know. It's cool," Ryan replied. He turned to face Kirsten and Sandy and they immediately restarted working on their tasks. "I'm going to go drop my bags off…"

"Where's Hailey?" Kirsten directed at Seth as Ryan carried his duffle through the doors onto the patio.

"Oh. She's in the poolhouse…" Seth realized. Kirsten started to go after Ryan but Sandy stopped her.

"He can handle it. Give them a few minutes," Sandy said.

"Really? You think he can handle it?" She asked.

"Yeah. He's…he's hit bottom. He'll be okay."

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_"I've got a photo booth picture  
It reminds me of something you said to me  
If everything you want is so far out of reach  
If everything you want is so far out of reach  
Move a little closer to me…"  
__ 7 Mary 3_

Ryan walked into the poolhouse and dropped his bag by the door. He'd made it through the hard part. He was home. No matter how bad he felt, how guilty he was, this was his home. It was the only place he felt comfortable anymore. He started for the bathroom but stopped cold. Hailey was asleep on top of his bed.

She looked so peaceful. Safe. She was beautiful. The feelings he'd been trying to ignore for the past few weeks rushed back to the surface. He loved her. More than Marissa. More than Teresa. More than any woman he'd ever been with. She understood him. She listened to him. She didn't judge him, she didn't treat him like a kid, she didn't abandon him.

He sat down silently beside her on the bed, careful not to wake her. He just wanted to look at her. He reached out his hand but hesitated a few inches from her face. He shouldn't touch her. It wasn't right.

"Ryan?" Her eyes were open when he pulled his hand away.

"Hey."

"Hey…you okay?"

"Not really."

"Oh. Well, at least you're honest," She smiled, sitting up.

He didn't reply. He had so many things that he wanted to say to her, so many things that he needed to tell her, but he didn't say anything.

"Hey," She murmured, taking his hand and squeezing it. "You're home now. It'll be okay."

He nodded.

"Talk to me. How'd you get here?"

"Kirsten and Sandy came to the hotel where I was staying."

"How'd you get there?"

"I hitched."

"From Portland?" She gasped. "God, that's so dangerous…"

"I'm fine. I just needed to clear my head," He whispered.

"I'm so glad you came back…" She said, wrapping him in her arms before he could react. She buried her head into his chest as he raised his arms to return her hug. "I missed you so much, and I was so worried, you're hurting so much and there's nothing I can do…"

"Hey…stop it, okay?"

"I can't…" She had tears streaming down her face, soaking his shirt. "You're too important to Kirsten and Sandy and Seth, you're too fucking important to me and I don't care if we can't be together, as long as you're here and you're safe…"

"Hailey…"

She kissed him. She had to show him how much she meant to him. She kissed him, exploring his mouth and holding his face tightly so he wouldn't pull away. He was pushed to the bed as she kissed him desperately.

"Hailey, stop…we can't…" He protested but she silenced him with her mouth. She kissed him.

He was pinned underneath her but he finally regained his senses and pulled away. "No, Hailey, I can't do this…"

"Ryan…"

"No. I just got back, I can't…I can't do this, I just can't…" He stood up and closed the bathroom door behind him.

Hailey wiped her face but she couldn't get the taste of him out of her mouth. She shouldn't have followed her instinct. He didn't need her like that right now. He needed her to be his friend. She went to the door and pushed it open.

He was leaning over the sink, breathing shallowly.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, honey, let's get you cleaned up, okay? Is Kirsten making dinner because I can call ahead and get the takeout started," She said, stepping inside and pushing him to sit on the closed toilet.

He opened his mouth to speak but she didn't give him the chance. She gently wiped his face with a washcloth and was surprised to see that his face was swollen.

"Did you get into a fight? Oh, Ryan, you and your impulse control problem," She scolded as she walked out of the bathroom and went to the shelves and got a shirt for him. "Let's see the damage," She said, pulling his shirt off before he could protest.

"I'm not hurt. Luke and I got into a brawl in Portland a few days ago," Ryan said quietly, taking the shirt from her hands and pulling it on again. He kept his voice low. He was still shaking.

"Oh. Okay. Well, let's get you inside so Kirsten and I can hover over you…"

"I can't do this," He stated slowly.

"What?"

"I can't…I can't do this."

"Oh." She still wasn't sure about what he was talking about.

"We can't be together," He said slowly. "And I don't know if I can even be around you if I can't be with you. I'm not strong enough…"

"Don't worry about any of that now, honey…" She reached out and put her hand on his arm and he flinched. She paled. He'd never recoiled from her touch before.

"I am so fucked up," He murmured, distantly. "I went to Chino to be with Teresa, to take care of her, to be with her…and I ended up spending all my free time here, with you…and I didn't love her, I didn't take care of her and now she's dead…and you…what the hell are we doing?" His blue eyes searched her face for an answer, for a solution.

"Comfort. I needed you and you were there for me…"

"I can't be there for anyone, Hailey…I…I don't know what to do…I feel like I'm being torn into pieces and there's nothing left…" He whispered.

"No, Ryan, no…"

"I mean…I promised Teresa that I'd be the father of her baby…and the whole time…I couldn't even touch her…I drove her to Eddie…"

"No, you didn't, Ryan, listen to me." She kneeled beside him. "You did everything that you possibly could for her. It wasn't your fault…"

He shook his head. "Can I have a few minutes? I'll be right in…"

"Ryan, we're friends, please talk to me…"

"I can't. I just can't, Hailey…I…" He shook his head. She stood up and walked out of the room. He closed the door behind her.

---- - - - - --- - - - - - - - - ------ -- - --- - -- -- - ------ - - - -- --- -- - - - - -- ------ - - - -- --- -- - - - - -- ------ - - - -- --


	18. EighteenFin

_AN: Thanks for all the support, guys. Thanks to everyone who voted in the Citrus Awards and props to all the great authors that were nominated. Thanks to Spongebob Squarepants who inspired the "I'm spiraling, I'm spiraling..." (he's okay, now, though). Special thanks to **Maud**, **Naijchiqa**, **Joey** and **muchtv** for personal counseling._ _This one's done, hope it's been a good ride for you guys as much as it has been for me._

* * *

Luke was staying in a motel, not the Mermaid, but a more expensive hotel. He'd talked to his father and explained that he wanted to move back to Newport. His father had responded by giving him full access to his trust fund. Luke was officially on his own. He'd park in Julie Cooper's deserted driveway and Ryan would sneak out of the poolhouse and meet him. They'd started going out every night.

Luke was still worried about his friend but Ryan hadn't talked to him since he'd come back. Ryan wasn't really talking to anyone. He'd climb into Luke's SUV and Luke would hand him a bottle and he'd drink. They were both drinking a lot. After they'd had enough to drink, they'd laugh. Chino could really tell a joke when he felt like it.

Ryan wasn't thinking straight and Luke really didn't feel like forcing him.

They had fun at first. A college party. A bar or three. A few bonfires.

Luke was having pretty good luck with the ladies, but not as much as Ryan. Ryan seemed almost magnetic, he'd have a different girl every night. They'd show up, Luke would hit the bar and Ryan would somehow become attached to some girl's face. It was like clockwork.

Luke started to think that Ryan had reverted to his Chino persona. He'd never seen him so promiscuous and silent. He had never seen Ryan act like this at all.

He missed his friend. But he didn't really know what he was supposed to do to help him. So he was just being his friend.

After the second week of partying and avoidance, he realized that neither of them were making much progress in the depression department. He was still living out of a hotel room and avoiding calling his mother. He hadn't spoken to her in weeks.

And Ryan, in one of his rare, drunken moments had confessed that he still wasn't making progress with Seth or Hailey. He'd said that he couldn't face either of them. He'd said that Hailey still came for dinner every night and he'd spend time with Seth every day but he still couldn't come to terms with them. When Luke had tried to press him, he'd sighed and said that he was dealing with it.

Tonight, they were at a pretty elite party. One of Ryan's 'conquests' had given them the invite and Luke had been drunk when he'd picked Ryan up. Ryan hadn't dressed for the occasion, he was nondescript in black pants and a black shirt but, true to form, he'd started getting hit on as soon as he'd arrived.

The party was at a huge beach house in Newport but Luke didn't recognize the address. He'd recognized a few of the attendants from his parents' circle of friends but because of the massive amounts of alcohol and drugs that he'd passed up, he knew that no one would mention his presence to his mother.

Luke had become tangled up with a freshman at the local college. She was cute and friendly and he'd been making them drinks on the patio for the past couple of hours. She didn't ask any questions and seemed to be satisfied with his screwdrivers and sparse conversation. It was around two before he realized that he hadn't seen Ryan in a while. His freshman had gone to find the bathroom and he glanced around to try and track down his wingman.

He spotted Ryan's shaggy blond hair on a blanket on the beach. He was sitting up and had a girl on each side. Luke shook his head as he realized who he was with.

The twins.

The twins were blonde, homegrown Californians that were notorious in Newport. They were both 'surgically enhanced' D-Cups that had a reputation for sharing.

Tonight they were sharing Ryan. One had his face pressed against hers while the other was nuzzling the back of his neck. His shirt had been tossed aside. Their hands were on various places of his body.

Luke smiled, knowing that Chino was in good hands and making a note to himself to make the kid tell him about this encounter later.

* * *

_"You're the center of the scenery  
No matter where it's taken me  
It doesn't change when I'm not there…"  
--7 Mary 3_

Hailey reluctantly followed her friends outside. They'd forced her to come to this party to pull her out of her 'funk' but she didn't want to enjoy it. They'd been in one of the spare bedrooms for most of the party, comforting her friend, Sharon, about her shitty husband who'd run off with the gardener. Her other friends from work, Tina and Kitty said that homosexuality was becoming a major factor in the marriages of many of the Newport elite lately.

"Look at those sluts. They're so fucking shameless," Sharon hissed as she poured her drink. Hailey followed her pointing finger to the beach where the notorious 'twins' had their latest conquest pinned against the sand.

"Who's the victim tonight?" Hailey asked.

"I don't recognize him. He's kind of hot though. Must be a tourist or something if he caught the twins' interest," Tina said as she handed Hailey a drink.

Hailey blinked. She didn't believe it. It wasn't Ryan.

"Hailey?"

She blinked again. He had his arm around one of the twins. She knew that arm. It was Ryan's arm.

Ryan's arm. Ryan was here. Ryan who wouldn't leave the poolhouse unless it was because he was eating in the dining room. Ryan who wouldn't be alone with her. Ryan who had gone through four therapists because he wouldn't talk to anyone outside the Cohen family. Ryan was letting the twins dry hump him on the beach.

"Hailey, do you know him?" Sharon was worried now.

"Hailey, wait…" Tina called after her.

But she had to do something. The twins were nasty skanks and she'd be damned if she'd let them get their paws into Ryan.

She stopped cold beside the trio. She kicked sand and immediately the blonde on top of Ryan rolled off with a snort.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Get the fuck away from him," Hailey replied.

"I don't see your name on him anywhere," The twin underneath Ryan remarked.

"Hailey?" Ryan's eyes were unfocused. He was shirtless and out of breath and she could see that his pants were unzipped. But she thought that she was in time.

"You're drunk," Hailey realized, reaching down to try and grab his arm but accidentally getting one of the twin's limbs instead.

"Step off, bitch, he didn't come here with you…" One blonde said.

"But he'll be coming in a few minutes," The other grinned, pulling his startled face against hers before Hailey could do anything.

Ryan was laughing now, but she could read in his eyes that he was stunned to see her. He knew he was busted. He pulled away from the slut and let Hailey drag him to his feet.

Kirsten and Sandy were going to kill him. He'd been so depressed, so fucking silent at home, and they were at their wit's end. She knew they didn't know he went out at night but she knew just by looking at him that this wasn't his first excursion. She knew that he was hurting but this little rebellion was not healthy for a kid that had been through what he'd been going through.

"Hailey, what are you doing here?"

"Don't talk to me until you put some clothes on," She snapped, picking up his shirt and throwing it at him.

He was fumbling now and at another time, she would have found it cute but the fact that he couldn't button his pants and pull his shirt on at the same time only reinforced her worry. He was wasted.

"What's your deal, bitch?" One of the twins snapped.

Ryan was no help, he was staggering behind her as she pivoted to face the sluts. "You better stay away from him, bitch or they'll be hell to pay…"

"Hailey, stop…what's wrong?" Ryan asked, taking her arm and turning Hailey back to face him. He had this strange innocent look on his face that Hailey just couldn't take.

"What's wrong? You're asking me what's wrong?"

"No, I mean…what are you doing here?" Ryan asked.

Hailey glared at the sluts again before shoving Ryan and knocking him back several steps. He was drunk and let her push him. She walked over to him and put her hands on his shoulders. "What are you doing here?"

"I…I was invited, I came…"

"You're drunk…do Sandy and Kirsten know you're out? Have you been doing this a lot?"

Ryan's face was hard and Hailey realized that he wasn't going to open up to her. Not here, not like this. He was pretending. She had to make him stop.

She softened her tone and put her arms around him. He didn't pull away but he didn't return the gesture. "Ryan." She leaned her head against his shoulder. "This isn't the way."

"The way? I'm just trying to relax…"

"You're not relaxing, kid, you're spiraling…"

"I am not spiraling…"

"You are so spiraling…this isn't you…you don't drink like this…" She spoke into his ear softly and she knew he was listening. "You don't act like this…"

"Maybe I do…maybe I need this…"

"You don't need this…"

"I need something…" He whispered. He started to pull away but she wouldn't let him. She kept her arms around him.

"You need to accept that everything is not your fault. That you can't control everything. You need to accept that some things are not in your control and that you can't control everything around you…"

"I can't control everything…I'm out of control…" Ryan murmured.

"Listen to me, Ryan…please…you're not helping yourself by doing this, you're making it worse…"

"Maybe I like it worse…"

"You like this?" She pulled away and shoved him again. "You like being drunk and sleeping around? You like being like this?"

Ryan seemed surprised he opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. He took a step back and she immediately rushed him again, squeezing his arms. She didn't care that people were staring, she only cared about getting him to listen to her.

"Because this isn't you, this isn't how you're supposed to be…" She said urgently.

"How I'm supposed to be? What the hell does that mean?" He snapped.

"You…"

"You don't know me…"

She grabbed his arm when he turned away. "I'm the only one that knows you, Ryan. Just stop."

He jerked his arm away and staggered back several steps. "Just leave me alone…"

"I won't leave you alone, not like this! You're too important for me to just let you go!"

He froze. She took a step toward him and he raised his hands. "So…so you think I let you go because you weren't important to me?"

"No, Ryan…"

"Because you are…that's why I had to let you go…I won't take your family from you…I won't take your life away…look what I did to Teresa trying to make things right…I got her killed…"

"Ryan, that is not your fault, you couldn't control what happened to her, it's not your fault!" She spun him around to face her. And she could see in his eyes that he heard her. He didn't believe her but he heard her words.

"You are everything to me, you're everything to your family, please. Let me take you home," She whispered.

He opened his mouth to speak but simply shook his head. "I'm not ready."

"You are ready. You have to face your problems. You can't fuck them away, you can't drink them away, you can't just ignore them and hope that they _go_ away…you have to face them. Let me take you home. We'll talk to Kirsten…"

"You're going to rat me out like that?"

"Hell, yes. Because you need help." She looked into his eyes, searching for the man she knew. But all she saw was a scared little boy. "Please, kid."

And he gave in. She took his hand and led him towards the house.

Tina and Sharon clapped as they walked past her. They knew all about her 'jailbait' affair and didn't stop her from leaving with him.

Ryan stopped in the hallway of the beach house.

"What?"

"Luke. I came with Luke."

"Luke from Portland?"

"He's staying here, now."

"Get him. We'll take him home…"

"He…he stays at a hotel. His mom doesn't know he's here," Ryan replied quietly. He pulled away from her. He started staggering toward the bedrooms.

"I'll get him," Hailey said, stopping him and taking his hand again. She took a deep breath. "LUKE!"

One of the doors swung open and a very startled Luke Ward stepped out in nothing but a t-shirt and boxers.

"What the hell?"

"You guys are busted. Get some pants on and get out here," Hailey said.

"What?" Luke muttered, totally confused. "Who the hell are you?"

"Hailey," Ryan said.

"Oh," Luke realized, his eyes clearing. "Hey…"

"Pants. Now," Hailey ordered.

"You sound like Kirsten," Ryan smiled slightly, swaying.

Luke turned to try and find his pants but emerged several minutes later with his jacket tied around his waist.

"Where are your pants?" Hailey asked.

"Don't ask," Luke muttered.

"Dammit, Luke, that's, like, the third time this week you've lost your pants…" Ryan chuckled.

"What the hell are you talking about, Chino, Shit, last night…" Luke started but stopped when Ryan glared at him.

"I'm taking you both home," Hailey said, taking Luke by the wrist and keeping Ryan's hand clasped tightly with hers. "You're both so fucking busted…"

Luke glanced at Ryan for guidance but he realized that Ryan was holding Hailey's hand tightly in response. "Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"I…I think I have to be, Luke. I mean…I think maybe…"

"I found him under the twins. Luke, you know Newport, you know the twins…"

"I wish I knew the twins like he knows the twins," Luke muttered. Ryan gave him a sly smile.

"Shut up," Hailey shoved him. "They're dirty whores…"

"Sexy, though," Luke muttered. Ryan gave him an amused look as they stopped beside Hailey's car.

"Get in. You're just digging a deeper hole for yourselves by talking," Hailey held open the back door and Luke climbed inside.

"What about my truck?" Luke asked.

"You are not driving anywhere like this. We'll come back for it tomorrow. I'm sure it'll still be here," Hailey said.

Ryan took the front seat and immediately lit a cigarette.

"So, if you're our official chaperone, you're going to let him smoke?" Luke asked Hailey as she pulled onto the road. He had sprawled out across her backseat.

"Fuck you," Ryan snorted.

"What are you doing in town, Luke?" Hailey asked.

Luke was suddenly silent.

"He wanted to come home," Ryan said quietly.

"But…"

"I haven't called my mom, Hailey. I just…needed some time to unwind first."

"You guys…this isn't the way. Drinking, partying all night, it's not going to make anything in your life any better…I've done it, it doesn't make your problems go away, it just gives you a hangover…"

"We don't get hangovers anymore," Luke muttered.

"You know what I mean. Why haven't you called your mom?"

"I…I don't know what she's going to say. I've just been putting it off…"

"Yeah, while you and Ryan are out drinking and partying, I bet your mother is flipping out…"

"I haven't talked to her in weeks. I doubt she cares…" Luke muttered.

"Luke. It's all over now. You know the Cohens are going to call your mom…and you told me that you want to talk to her…" Ryan was twisted around in the seat to face his friend.

"I do, but not like this…"

"We'll work something out, Luke. But you're not going to be at the top of Sandy and Kirsten's list once they find out that you've been smuggling Ryan out every night."

"Smuggling?" Luke laughed.

"It's not his fault. He was just hanging out with me…"

"Seth hangs out with you, but I don't see him with you…"

"It's different. Luke doesn't have any expectations…" Ryan started.

"And Seth does?"

Ryan shrugged and leaned his head against the window.

"Can't you just let us go?" Luke asked, meeting her gaze in the rear view mirror.

"No. Luke, you're Ryan's friend…do you think this is a healthy way for him to be? After all he's been through, do you think this is better?"

Ryan's eyes were closed and he didn't move.

Luke sighed. "No. But he's trying…"

"No, he's not trying, he's making a bigger mess. He won't talk to the shrinks, he hasn't said anything about his little night-outs to his family and he's in trouble. You should be able to see that," Hailey snapped.

"This has nothing to do with Luke. He's just doing what I asked him to do."

"What did you ask him to do?"

"I asked him to be my friend without dragging me down with a bunch of bullshit, he's not always asking if I'm okay, he's not always looking at me like I'm about to break…"

"He's just keeping you drunk and making sure you have condoms before you fuck random girls? Huh?" Hailey accused. "You know this is wrong…"

"God, lady, give him a break, he's fucked up and you're trying to have an intervention?" Luke jumped in.

"That's enough out of you, 'Mr. I've Lost My Pants'," Hailey snapped.

Ryan started to laugh. After seeing Luke's devastated expression, Hailey joined him. By the time she parked the car, they were all laughing.

It was after two am when they went inside.

"Are you going to wake them up?" Ryan asked quietly.

"Hell, yes. Luke, maybe you can find some pants?"

"Chino's pants are too short…" Luke sighed, sitting down beside Ryan on the couch.

"What about Seth?"

"He's too skinny…"

"Dammit, Luke…" Hailey snapped. Ryan was laughing at them.

"I'll be back in a second." Hailey left the drunken pair and went to Kirsten and Sandy's room. She knocked gently.

"Hailey?" Sandy answered the door with bleary eyes.

"I have something to show you," She said. "Kirsten, too."

Sandy seemed to sense the seriousness and closed the door. They emerged moments later dressed in robes.

"Hailey, Jesus, It's like, after two…" Kirsten yawned.

"I went to a party tonight and ran into someone," Hailey said as they followed her down the hall.

"Ryan? Luke? What the…" Sandy saw them first.

"Oh god…you're drunk, I can smell you from here," Kirsten gasped, glaring at them.

"Luke, when did you come into town?"

"Before you start the interrogation, you should know who I found Ryan with…" Hailey turned to Kirsten.

"Who?"

"The twins."

"The twins?" Kirsten gasped.

Sandy gave Ryan an awestruck look. "The twins?"

"Lori and Tori?" Kirsten asked, turning to Ryan.

"I didn't really catch their names," Ryan replied quietly. Luke snickered.

"Luke, where are your pants?" Sandy asked. Kirsten blushed a deeper red.

"He's been sneaking out for days and partying with Luke…" Hailey said finally. "But he came home with me."

"Thank you, Hailey. For bringing him home," Sandy nodded.

"Luke, does your mom know you're back?"

He shook his head.

"Sandy, take him to the guest room and find him some pants to wear tomorrow. You'll stay here tonight and we'll figure out what we're going to do tomorrow morning, okay?" Kirsten nudged Sandy.

"Come on, Luke." Sandy and Luke left the living room.

Kirsten sat down beside Ryan on the couch.

"I'm sorry…"

"I don't care," Kirsten whispered. "I just don't know what to do anymore, Ryan. You promised that you'd try…"

"I am trying…"

"You're drinking again. And the twins? I'd never forgive you…"

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"At least Hailey's mildly respectable, but the twins? Ryan, what are you thinking?" Kirsten asked, taking his hand.

"I…"

"You aren't thinking, are you? You're trying to run away from your problems again. It doesn't work, you know that…what are you doing, Ryan?" Kirsten asked.

"I…I don't know. I just wanted a break…I didn't want to have to think about anything…just for a little while…"

"How long have you been sneaking out?"

"Since Luke got here…" Ryan whispered.

"But you…"

"I can't explain it. When we go out, it's like…I'm not Ryan Atwood, I'm not the punk kid from Chino, I'm nameless…"

"You are Ryan Atwood. And it's nothing to be ashamed of," Kirsten said. "But we can't let you do this to yourself…"

"It was just a party…"

"The twins had him pinned, Kirsten," Hailey interrupted.

Kirsten wrinkled her face as she returned her attention to Ryan. "Ryan."

"Okay. I know…you're right…"

"We don't want to punish you, we want you…"

"I know, Kirsten. I…this sucks, you know? I listen to the shrinks, I listen to you guys, but nothing…it's not getting better…I'm not getting better…"

"Do you want to get better?"

"I…"

"Aren't you tired of feeling this way?"

"Yes," Ryan said.

"Then stop. Stop it. Stop wallowing in your guilt and pain and just get over it. You think we want you to have to see a shrink? You think we want to have to watch your every mood? We just want you to be okay…" Kirsten pleaded.

"I know…I know, Kirsten, and I'm so sorry for doing this to you…"

"You're not hurting us, you're only hurting yourself." She took his face in her hands. "Please, Ryan."

"Okay. Okay, Kirsten. I'll call the doctor tomorrow. I'll talk to him. I won't drink anymore. I won't sneak out…" Ryan said slowly. Hailey was watching him from her perch on the edge of the couch.

"I believe you, Ryan. And we'll be here…" Kirsten started.

"You guys have always been here. It's not that…it's me. I have to do this myself. I've been stuck…since Teresa died…I don't think I really cared what happened to me…but…I…I know you're right. I can't keep living like this…" He whispered.

"I know, baby, but it will get better…you just have to let it…" Kirsten said, pulling him into an embrace.

He returned her hug.

"But you're still grounded. And we will be talking more about the twins…" Kirsten said as she released him. "You'll call the doctor?"

"First thing. I promise, Kirsten."

She released his hand as she stood up. She turned to Hailey. "Will you make sure he goes to bed?"

"I think I can handle that," Hailey replied.

Ryan raised an eyebrow at their dialogue.

"She knows what I mean," Kirsten said to Ryan with an amused smile. "I should wash your mouth out with soap for messing with the twins…"

"What about Luke, he lost his pants!" Ryan protested.

"He's not mine. And I'm going to bed before I find out any more about Luke's pants," Kirsten said, blushing again.

Hailey took Ryan's arm and pulled him to his feet. "Let's get you tucked in."

"Tucked in?" Ryan smirked.

"I don't like you drunk," Hailey said as they walked out onto the patio.

"What?"

"I don't like you drunk. You're an asshole," She continued.

He smiled. "I'm an asshole?"

"Yeah. And I'm not used to you being an asshole, I don't like it on you…" She continued as they walked.

"What do you like 'on me'?" He asked as he opened the door to the poolhouse.

"Me," She whispered after a pause. He turned to face her.

"What?"

"You heard me."

"Hailey…"

She kissed him gently on the lips and then took a step back. "I'd like us to try and have something, Ryan. When you're ready."

"When I'm ready?" He whispered.

"Yeah. When…when you're okay with me again…" She started.

He stepped toward her and put his hand on her cheek. "Hailey, I am okay with you. I'm in love with you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I have been for a while. You know that…"

"I…"

"I love you, Hailey. And after all this…it hasn't gone away…I can't make it go away…I know it's wrong but I can't…I can't stop…" He said.

She kissed him. "Then don't. Don't stop…"

* * *

_"…Held my breath as the water rushed in  
I was drowning in the man I used to be  
A castaway, but you were there for me…"_

_--7Mary3_

"Ryan, are you ready, yet?" Kirsten's voice echoed through the poolhouse.

"Kirsten, have you seen those…"

"You look amazing," She interrupted as he walked out of the bathroom. He was dressed in a tuxedo in preparation for the senior prom.

"Thank you. I'm looking for those shoes you bought me, with the little tassels on them? Hailey said that…"

"They're right here, honey," She leaned down beside the bed and picked up the shoes he was talking about. "Nervous?"

"Why would I be nervous?" He smiled as he sat down to put on his shoes.

"I guess you wouldn't be. Living with us has probably trained you pretty well on going to formals."

"True. But I am a little nervous. Luke picked out the dates," He admitted.

"Ouch. You don't trust his taste?" Kirsten asked. Ryan raised an eyebrow at her. "Dumb question."

He smiled. "So? Do I look presentable?" He stood up and pivoted for her.

"Definitely. Let's get you inside so we can start with the pictures," Kirsten linked arms with him and they walked out of the poolhouse.

"Pictures?"

"Of course! My sons are going to the prom, of course there will be pictures," She grinned.

The kitchen was packed with people. Seth was leaning against the counter beside Luke while Summer stood on her tiptoes and was arranging his hair.

Summer was beautiful in a long flowing green gown that matched Seth's boutonnière in his pocket. Seth and Luke were wearing their tuxes and there were three boxed corsages on the counter waiting for Summer and their dates.

"Finally, dude, she's killing me, here," Seth said when he saw Ryan.

"Shut up, you have to look nice," Summer snapped.

Ryan slapped hands with Luke and leaned against the counter between his friends.

"Where's Hailey?"

"She's in the living room with Jimmy," Luke responded.

"Someone talking about me?" Hailey stepped in with a smile. She walked over and gave Ryan a quick kiss on the cheek before moving to stand beside Kirsten.

"Don't they look nice?" Kirsten grinned, looping an arm around her sister.

"Of course they do. You think I'd let him go looking like a slacker? As if Summer would stand for that?" Hailey laughed.

"Don't even joke. They'd be wearing jeans if we let them," Summer sighed. She was satisfied with his flower and turned her attention to his unruly hair.

"Stop it, Summer…" Seth whined. "Help, please?" He looked to Ryan.

"There is no help for that hair," Ryan replied. Seth shoved him.

"So, Luke, who have you lined up for the dates tonight?" Hailey asked.

"Jealous?" Luke grinned.

"Don't get her started," Ryan warned.

"Well, I think their names are Tori and Lori…"

"The twins?" Summer gasped. Kirsten and Hailey were pale.

"Not funny," Ryan murmured.

"No, seriously, they're freshmen, they just started Harbor a few months ago and they don't really know anyone. We're picking them up on the way. They both have boyfriends at Pacific, so it's totally platonic, ladies," Luke smiled at Kirsten and Hailey.

"Not funny, Luke. I'm going to pay for that later," Ryan shoved him.

"You're already shacking up with your girlfriend, let the rest of us have a little fun," Luke laughed.

"Hey!" Ryan laughed, shoving him again.

"They're fighting already?" Jimmy walked in with Sandy.

"They're always fighting," Sandy rolled his eyes.

"Kaitlyn's in the living room…" Jimmy started.

"Kaity?" Luke called loudly and the girl rushed into the kitchen, squealing.

"Luke! Ryan! Seth!" She rushed over and gave them all desperate hugs.

"How's our little Cooper?" Ryan asked, picking up the thin girl and swinging her around.

"Nauseous, now…" She laughed as he released her.

Jimmy's new wife, Sharon, stepped in and put an arm around him. "Who says you can never get a babysitter?"

"They're boys, they can't baby-sit…" Jimmy protested.

"I'm not a baby," Kaitlyn pouted.

"Of course you're not a baby, and I'm sure the boys would make great babysitters," Sharon replied with a smile.

"Last time 'the boys' stayed with Kaitlyn, they came back with painted fingernails and mascara on," Summer replied.

"How did I miss that?" Hailey asked.

"They were hounding me for my nail polish remover for hours the next day," Kirsten added.

"Cherry-berry red looked good on them," Kaitlyn snickered.

Luke picked up the small girl and Ryan and Seth began to tickle her. Finally, Summer had to intervene so Kaitlyn would stop giggling and breathe again.

"Can we get started on the pictures, guys? Let's get you into the living room," Sandy announced.

Hailey caught Ryan's arm as he started to follow his friends and family.

"Hey. Can I talk to you a minute?"

"Sure, what's up?"

Once the kitchen was empty, she pinned him against the refrigerator and kissed him deeply.

"What's that for?" He smiled as she let him come up for air.

"Nothing."

"You're jealous," He grinned.

"Of some high school chick? Never…" She replied.

"Hailey…" He had his arms linked around her waist, keeping her close to him. They still had electricity between them. They'd been together for months, only recently when he turned eighteen, had they begun to share the poolhouse. "Hailey, it's just the prom."

"I know. But I want you to have a good time. And come home to me. I don't like it when you're too far away."

"I'll be at Harbor, Hailey. It's like three minutes from here by car," Ryan laughed.

"I know. I love you, Ryan."

"I know. I love you, too…" He kissed her.

"Chino, you better not be kissing your aunt in that kitchen!" Summer's voice interrupted them, echoing through the house.

Hailey laughed and released him, mussing his hair. "There. Now you can go."

"I have your permission?"

"As long as you come home. If you get drunk at the afterparty, you have the limo so don't try to drive."

"I know. I doubt the chauffeur would allow it," Ryan joked.

"Chino, come on!" Luke called.

Hailey took Ryan's arm and they went to join their family.

FIN


End file.
